Last week, a mother asked for help dealing with her “obstinate” five-year-old daughter.
“We’ve tried all kinds of methods to get her to co-operate, but the only one that seems to stick is the threat to take away a privilege if the toys aren’t picked up, or the teeth aren’t brushed, etc., by the time we count to three. Usually, we take away use of favourite toys, but sometimes, it’s something she wants to do that’s in the future, such as a planned sleepover. My question is, if you take something away, can you allow them to earn it back with good behaviour? Or does that just undermine the discipline?”
Here’s what our parent educators and a reader had to say:
One thing parents learn about imposing consequences is that they rarely work over time. Taking away toys or special events and imposing timeouts works in the short term, but never in the long term.
A much more effective way to get your daughter to do what she needs to do is for you to come alongside her and work through the relationship.
Imagine if your husband or wife ordered you to do something, and if you did not do it, you would lose your new laptop or car privileges for a day.
You would be very angry and over time, using this sort of communication could break down the relationship, eventually ensuring more non-compliance in the future rather then what you are hoping for.
Asking your spouse to earn back the car or laptop with good behaviour seems pretty demeaning. If we would not treat our spouses that way, then it could never work for a child, who has even less maturity and understanding of the big picture.
With children and adults alike, if you work from within the relationship and solicit your daughter’s assistance with chores, etc., you are much more likely to achieve the results you are seeking.
Making chores a game, giving a 10- and then five-minute warning that it will be time to clean up is always a good idea.
Make all requests with warmth and humour, and you should see your daughter enjoying working with you to do as you suggest.
If she feels like she is being ordered around, she will balk. Nobody wants to be ordered to do anything.
Making such things as homework, bedtimes, teeth-brushing and clearing away toys at the end of the day routines will take away the need to get into conflict, as children typically respond to routine and structure in a positive way.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
Parenting is complex and so are people.
Your daughter’s persistence can be tapped into positively rather than viewing her as obstinate. Persistent kids are more likely to follow the rules and requests if they understand them and why they exist.
Threatening only creates more power struggles and removing a sleepover punishes the other child as well as yours. Taking something away and earning it back with “good” behaviour could end up turning into a tit-for tat experience.
Occasionally, this might be OK, but I encourage you to look at the bigger picture and identify the specific areas where you struggle with her. Is it during a transition? It is when she is hungry or tired? Are your expectations reasonable and doable for her age?
Once you identify the areas where you have the most power struggles, start with the most important one and deal with that first. Talk to your daughter at a neutral time and have a respectful discussion with her. Explain why the limit is there using very few words and find out what she thinks and how she feels. Ask her for ideas that could help and turn her determination into a positive trait. Determined people are usually pretty good decision-makers, even at five.
Recently, I came up with a very basic statement, but one that sums it up. Kids need to like themselves and they need to like their parents. If you protect your relationship with her, you will win co-operation. If she feels good about herself, she will be her best self. So relook at those power struggles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Think of what really matters and what you can let go of. Remember that you may not see immediate results, but if the new approach brings about a decrease in negative behaviour, then what you are doing is working.
Allison Rees
LIFE Seminars Parenting Courses
The short answer is yes, if the goals are reasonably met. (In other words, don’t expect perfection. We’re not, and neither will the child be.)
The worst thing to do, at that age, is to revoke a privilege and give no chance of restoration — either a change in behaviour or a “time-out.” If there is no chance of getting back a privilege, then there is no incentive to reform, amend or get back in the parent’s good books — and the aim of the exercise is to mould behaviour so that, later in life, the young adult or adult will not act in ways that result in more serious loss of privilege — say, loss of a driver’s licence for drinking, or worse.
How long should a privilege be stopped? It depends on the severity.
There are also other ways of inducing behaviour — natural consequences. If I didn’t pick up my dirty clothes, they didn’t get washed and I didn’t have the clean clothes I wanted. If I didn’t come when called, I missed supper, or I missed some activity I really wanted (like a Cub meeting). One or two such events can really send a powerful message.
John A. Laidlaw
Victoria
Next question:
My daughter is 11 going on 22. She is very confidant and independent, venturing out by herself with friends to the mall, swimming pool and movie theatre. I realize the ways we can reinforce behaviour in her are changing. I am concerned that some of the discipline techniques that worked in the past could now cause resentment and provoke her to become rebellious.
As a protective dad, it’s not easy letting go and trusting she’ll always make the right choices.
Can you give me some good advice for helping my daughter navigate what seems like a precarious stage between her childhood and teenaged years?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
