Dear Lisi: I am going through a very rough time in my relationship right now. My partner and I have two children, one who needs a lot of attention. She’s emotionally needy, a homebody and prefers to be with me than anyone else, ever. My partner is jealous, blames me and doesn’t connect with our daughter at all. On top of that, he’s having an affair.
I have been decently close with my siblings and my parents my whole life. They never loved my partner, but they adore our children, and I would say my mom is my daughter’s second favourite person. We all live close enough to each other that we see each other at least once a week.
Recently, I decided to confide in my mom. Obviously, I hoped that she would support me. To my surprise, she has chosen to back away. She said she doesn’t want to get involved and wished she didn’t know. Now things are worse because she is refusing to see my daughter, who is clinging to me stronger, which is upsetting my partner more.
How do I get my mom to see that she’s exacerbating the situation?
Trouble typhoon
Yikes! I’m sorry. People are funny, even those you think you know best. I’m going to guess that your mom is sad for you. It’s very hard to watch your child in pain, and you are in emotional turmoil. You say she never loved your partner…. And now he’s having an affair. It’s probably all she can do not to say “told you so!”
As for your daughter, it’s clearly hard on your partner that she is so attached to you, but her second choice is your mom? In this case, your mom is probably trying to distance herself in hopes that your daughter will turn to her dad.
You need some family therapy here; there’s just too much going on. Your daughter needs some professional understanding to grow and detach; you and your partner need couples’ therapy to deal with his affair and how you are going to move forward; and you and your mom need to find a way to maintain closeness, whether you and partner stay together or not, with boundaries and love.
Dear Lisi: I once asked you how you deal with all the haters. Now I’m asking, how do you deal with all the hate?
The world sucks
My heart goes out to you. You seem to have a black cloud following you. You wonder how to live in a world of hate.
Much is out of our control. I have zero influence over politics in Russia and Ukraine, in the Middle East or in Africa.
We can only do our best to live healthy, happy, peaceful lives, and aid those in need how and where we can.
FEEDBACK Regarding the veterinary assistant (March 15):
Reader — “I thought it presumptuous on the part of the person to assume the assistant is a functional alcoholic (even if it would seem to be the case).
“I also found it very unprofessional of the bartender to confide the fact that the assistant comes in multiple times a day.
“Allow me to be hypocritical here and make assumptions of my own … the bartender must know the person he confided in well. So, this person is seemingly also a frequent visitor to the bar, also there during work hours and staying for not just one drink but still there an hour or more later. And on different days. They also may have a drinking problem. Just sayin’.”
Lisi — I thought the same thing. But I still wouldn’t want someone under the influence doing anything medically related to my pet.
FEEDBACK Regarding the hurt sister excluded from opening Christmas presents (March 14):
Reader — “One sister begged the other to come over for Christmas. Then excluded her from opening of presents by the children, her only nephews. She apologized at the time but then was cruel and nasty the rest of the time she was there.
“I agree that they should sit down and talk things out. However, your response was biased in favour of the married sister. You stated that she may feel abandoned, and the letter-writer should hear her out as she is obviously hurt.
“It makes no sense that you sympathized with her and completely ignored the situation and hurt feelings of the letter-writer.”
Lisi — The writer stated she needed more information to understand why things happened the way they did.
I wasn’t denying or dismissing her pain, simply focusing on problem solving. They need to talk.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
