Last week, we had a question about gifts and fairness.
“We need some guidance with an issue that is probably common in today’s makeup of blended families … his child, her child, their child together,” the person wrote.
“One grandparent family is quite wealthy, so one grandson who shares the family time in both households, half weekly, is being showered with gifts, huge birthday parties, trips away and so on. How is it possible to keep a balance between the “parenting sides.” The constant comparisons can be hurtful. Can you help with ideas?”
Here’s what our parent educators had to say:
The inequities of life are hard lessons for children. It is OK for them to be sad and shed tears about this. Learning that life is rarely fair comes to us all.
The circumstance you describe does present an opportunity for you to connect with your child about what is important in life. I suggest an activity such as “Desert Island.”
Using a piece of chart paper, ask your children to imagine that they are going to be sent to a desert island and to list what they need like to bring with them.
With a felt pen, write down the things they suggest. Usually, children will say things like video games, TV, all their toys, computers and so on, eventually getting to food, water, shelter, their friends and parents. Then ask them to take turns taking things off the list that they could live without if they absolutely had to. I have done this a number of times in school groups and without fail, the last things a child wants to give up are food, water, shelter, parents and friends. The lesson learned is that the best things in life are not things.
Not everyone is as materially blessed as others, and children, while sad occasionally about not being treated to things their step-siblings are, will be sure of your love and care for them. Grandparents love to treat their grandchildren well and we know this can be accomplished on a shoestring budget as easily as more grandly.
If the more wealthy grandparents are your parents, gently encourage them to include all of your children in their extended family. One can never have too many grandparents!
If they are your former wife’s parents, encourage the gifts and parties to stay at her house so the grandparents can see them enjoy things in her home, and your other children will not have to live it up close. That way, the children will have the treats, but they stay with mum.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
While your children do feel hurt by the comparisons, in the long run, this won’t harm them.
Unfortunately for the child who is being spoiled, it doesn’t hurt him now but it could harm him. Overindulgence can ruin a child’s character, his drive and his spirit for taking responsibility.
It is completely reasonable to talk to extended family members who overindulge and ask them to cut back or put the money into an education fund. This request, of course, has to come from the person who has the wealthy parents and I get a sense that this might not be an option.
So now what?
What do you actually have control over? To start with, your perspective will play a huge part in neutralizing this situation. Don’t get caught in the trap of feeling sorry for your children or trying to make things fair. Parents often do this instead of supporting their children to deal with life’s givens.
When this happens, they end up bending over backwards, feeling resentful and trying to control what they can’t: other people. What you can do is let your children know that you understand some of the intense feelings they may have about this situation. Listening to them and supporting them to work through their feelings is true discipline. It encourages emotional maturity and an ability not to be defeated by negative experiences.
Your kids need your presence, not presents, and that is completely in your control. When we accept life’s givens, we experience more peace of mind. When we fight them, it puts us in a constant state of stress.
Sometimes, it seems like there are no solid answers, but there are good questions:
n How can I manage my own perceptions?
n How are my feelings influencing this situation?
n How can I support all the children?
n What values matter to me and how do I role-model that?
Book recommendation: The Five Things in Life We Can’t Change and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them by David Richo.
Allison Rees
Parent educator
LIFE Seminars
Note: Sidestepping the Power Struggle starts Feb. 13. Go to lifeseminars.com for more information.
Next question:
My son is in Grade 2 and it seems he’s been immersed in video-game culture since he was in kindergarten. Every boy in his class seems to have video-game lunchbags, T-shirts and backpacks. They even act out video games on the playground at recess. We realize that this is the world we live in now, but how do we counter-balance this tremendous influence? We control his screen time and make sure he has lots of other activities, like soccer, etc., but when he has free time, all he wants to do is play video games. Also, we vet the games he plays by checking them out first, but other kids — especially those with older siblings — seem to be into more violent, less-appropriate games for their age group, and we worry about their influence on our son.
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
