Just like Humpty Dumpty, not everyone can put things “back together again.”
Life, and its many diverse personal connections, is more complicated in today’s world.
That’s why “mending” a marital relationship is more than just agreeing to disagree, which can lead to painful feelings on both sides.
It’s also why mending your most important relationship is essential for a couple to do together.
Oddly enough, I was reminded of that core belief just days ago, while waiting in a crowded lineup.
A smiling, self-confident young woman standing ahead of me in line, chatted easily and mentioned her great happiness at being newly married.
She also said proudly that the newlyweds had already created the habit of having a “date night” together, every week.
How smart is that? Very.
Have date nights
Date nights are almost essential during some periods of married life. They provide time for catch-up conversations, plus heart-to-heart moments to express love and happiness together.
Meanwhile, behind me in line were a young couple alternately carrying and walking their restless baby. It took each parent to soothe and walk him about. It was reassuring to see this couple working together, without friction or hesitation, in this apparent next stage of their relationship.
Consider the previous couple’s weekly breaks from responsibilities. Those private dates are important refreshers for the week ahead.
Communication is key
As couples head into the long-term, with all the interruptions of life involved, communication is the main key to long-term relationship success.
As example: I know a couple who, when one feels aggrieved on some issue, they go out for a walk together to discuss the situation calmly. They leave their home behind with all that it means to their relationship and walk and talk openly. The problem is aired and can be resolved before it quietly festers over the weeks and years.
Speak ‘love words’
New couples also need to allow a dedicated time slot for mutual appreciation and expression. That’s when mending the marriage ahead of unexpected issues arising, is a wise mutual gift.
Need more “connection time” than your workload and commitments allow? Remember this: Your partnership is most important, from a marital and family perspective.
So long as love words are still part of your conversation and spoken easily, your children’s lives will benefit, too.
Many new couples soon face demanding workplaces, rising living costs, and some dissatisfactions with what they expected from marriage.
My suggestion, from years of writing about relationship issues, is that couples should not shy away from ups and downs in communicating with each other. Instead, recognize that married couples often have periods of pressures including demands on time coming from work, children, schools, older relatives and community.
So, how to cope, and mend your most important relationship?
Consider therapy
Seek the help you need. Yes, there’s some expense involved in finding a professional relationship therapist, and time needed to work on the problems discussed.
I am not a therapist. I have a background in social services and have worked in this area of relationship issues for many years. I strongly believe that, if you recognize the need and want to enhance/improve your marriage, you can make it happen.
Remember: If children are part of a potential breakup, there may be layers of emotions which the whole family must acknowledge and hopefully learn to heal, especially if confronting major life changes. Just walking out the door in anger, by contrast, only stokes the fires of months and years of hurt feelings, lost trust, and outright anger at the person you once felt you loved deeply.
It’s not easy to mend a marriage that’s already slipping away.
But “mending a marriage” can offer new perspectives and hope.
Consider a couples’ reality check: Are you regularly together? Do you still seek your partner’s embrace, advice?
Unfortunately, the pressure to “keep up” with technology, work and skills, has made some feel that a loving domestic life is slipping from their home front.
It may take time to be open with each other about what’s not feeling “right” or “supportive.” But once a couple recognizes what’s missing in their relationship, each positive step towards connection and understanding, will feel supportive.
I’ve been married for 26-plus years and learned that “marriage-mending” is an essential skill, needed by both partners.
It can be learned, from observing thoughtful, caring behaviour in a loving relationship, such as a weekly private date, and a teamed couple alternately soothing their baby.
Humpty Dumpty can’t put a couple back together. But you can.
Ellie Tesher writes about relationships for the Star. She is based in Toronto.
