During the festive Yuletide season, one encounters myriad social situations. The Christmas staff party. The Christmas family dinner. Stuff like that.
At such events, you are required to partake in something called "the art of conversation." Yes, you heard me. Actually talking to people. No texting. No tweeting.
Unfortunately, obsessive fiddling with electronic gadgets has ill-prepared us for the task. In his book Conversation: A History of a Declining Art, Stephen Miller notes that "neither digital music players nor computers were invented to help people avoid real conversation, but they have that effect."
Not to worry. Simply heed these conversational tips and you'll soon be "chatting up a storm" like people did in the olden days.
Here are some tips to help you survive a holiday party, gadget-free:
Avoid talking about yourself - If you're like me, you find the chatter of others only marginally interesting. Mostly, you seek gaps in the word flow in order to talk about your own experiences, which are super interesting and entertaining.
Well, stop doing that. In order to be a good conversationalist, one must avoid monopolizing the discussion. And one must encourage others to say even more stuff about themselves - no matter how horribly boring it is.
To accomplish this, ask leading questions, such as, "Tell me more about your oboe," and "When did you first start quilting?" Let your conversational partners do the talking. They will love it - and you will be the life of the party.
Make a pretense of listening - One must not only encourage others to talk, one must feign interest in what they're saying.
This is best accomplished by smiling and nodding. Barking with laughter is great, only make sure the story being offered is truly intended as humorous (anecdotes about lengthy hospital stays and marital strife are seldom occasions for mirth). If in doubt, say, "Excuse me, but is this story intended to be funny or serious?"
Say things to indicate you're paying attention, such as "Really?" or "Is that so?" or "What happened when the swelling went down?"
Things to avoid: Checking one's phone for messages, rolling one's eyes, saying, "Yeah, well ... I have to go home now."
Play a game - Sometimes, the conversation will dry up. That's OK! Occasional conversational silences are perfectly acceptable.
However, if they last longer than two minutes, suggest you play a game. For instance, do you know I Spy? That's a good one. So is Boggle. Ask your hostess if she has Boggle. If she doesn't, suggest she buy Boggle in order to liven up her next social occasion. She will really appreciate that.
Topics to avoid - Politics and religion are hot-button topics. Steer clear of them. You think the rusting Blue Bridge should be replaced so motorists don't plummet into the murky deep? Keep that wacky notion to yourself. You think Victoria should stop dumping sewage into the ocean? Ix-nay on the ewage-say, you tofu-munching tree-hugger.
Suggested safe topics: "Are brussels sprouts a societal boon or just plain nasty?" "What's your favourite 1960s bubble-gum song?" and "Hey, what's that guy dropping into the planter? Yeah, him. With the funny-shaped head."
Is your conversation going well? - Every few minutes, take stock of the status of your conversation.
Is your conversation partner within five feet of you? If so, good. Is he/she weeping openly? If so, try to recall anything upsetting or insulting you may have said. Apologize for any perceived social gaffes (e.g. "I'm sorry, it's just that most people's heads are a more regular shape.")
Take stock of body language. If your partner's arms are crossed, this may indicate he or she is "closed off" from you. Or maybe it's too cold in the room. If it's too cold in the room, simply ask your host to turn up the heat. Also, remind your host to buy that game of Boggle.
More tips: Avoid namedropping ("Hey, I know David Foster/Mel Cooper/Mr. Floatie.") Don't over-share ("For health reasons, I never wear underwear"). Avoid slang ("Hey dawgs - cherry-poppin' mack daddy in the house!")
And finally, if you're really having trouble finding conversational partners, simply hang around the food table. Especially the shrimp platter. That's always a good one.
