Dear Lisi: My daughter is 15 years old and has been invited on a trip with her friend’s family. Exciting for her, but I need more information. I asked my daughter to find out the exact dates and other basic information, such as, what airline they were flying, where they were staying, etc.
She came back to me with the bare minimum. I suggested she ask the mom for her number so we could speak. Another week went by. I finally called the mom who was extremely aloof and not at all forthcoming.
My gut reaction is to not send my daughter on this trip. I told her how I was feeling, now she’s devastated that she can’t go and is blaming me for “ruining everything.” But how can I send her on a trip with a person who doesn’t seem to care?
What would you do?
Mom confusion
You are her parent, and it’s your job to protect her. A trip away with another family would be a special experience, if and only if, it works for you. There’s a lot to consider: You need to get your daughter on the same flight as the other family. Since they probably booked ages ago, this could be pricey. Plus, your daughter’s flight needs to be more flexible since her trip hinges on several other people.
You also need to find out how they’re getting to their accommodations and if they’ve included your daughter in that transfer. Then there’s the accommodation. Will she need to pay her share? Where will she sleep? And there’s the issue of food and entertainment/activities.
Does your daughter have allergies? Does she have anxieties? Do you feel that she is safe with this family?
You need to consider what kind of parent you are, what kind of parent they are, and if you’ll feel secure with your daughter in their hands. Err on the side of caution — you need to be able to sleep at night.
Dear Lisi: My roommate is convinced that all my friends hate her. My friends are loud, outgoing, vibrant and fun. My roommate is quieter and shy. She’s often not around when my friends come over, so we get into our mode. Then she comes home and the whole mood changes because she’s uncomfortable with them around.
It’s like a circle of discomfort that feeds into itself and makes everyone more and more uncomfortable. So, my friends tend to leave shortly after she gets home. That makes her think they don’t like her. But really, they think she doesn’t like them!
I’ve tried to explain this to her, but she can’t believe that my wild friends would be intimidated by her. So, she thinks I’m lying. None of this would matter except that she then talks badly about my friends to me! I’ve told her to stop, that if she doesn’t know them, she has no right to say mean things about them. Also, what’s the point of telling me what you think of my friends? I’m not going to agree with you, in fact, you’re just going to push me away.
If I can’t get through to her, I’m going to switch rooms. But I like living with her because she’s quiet and clean, respectful and kind – to me.
Roommate run-ins
Ask your roommate if there’s one friend of yours that she thinks she could hang out with. Then do something fun, just the three of you. Show her that your friends don’t hate her, and show your friends that she’s not that un-fun, just shy. Try your best to make it work until the end of the school year. It’s only a few months, and then you can choose your roommate for next year.
FEEDBACK Regarding the new age dad’s concerns (Feb. 6):
Reader – “The dad is right for being concerned about his son’s ‘girlfriend’ coming for an overnight stay. Please do not assume that nine-year-olds are too young to be aware of sex and all that it means. I was a teacher and playground-talk starts very early. In addition, I was abused by my older brother from the time I was eight years old. It affected my whole life and made me hyper aware of issues like this.
“Separate bedrooms and closed doors should be a hard and fast rule for children to protect everyone.”
Wish I didn’t know this
Lisi – I’m so sorry you do. What your brother did was wrong, and clearly abusive. I hope you have been able to talk it through with a professional.
I wish we could believe in the blind innocence of children, but that would be naïve.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
