Dear Lisi: My son has started playing a sport that is mainly played outdoors but starts early indoors to get the children “warmed up.” He’s been at it twice a week, for about a month and he loves it. He loves that he gets to try all the different positions on his team.
After two weeks, the coach, a parent of one of the players, asked all the kids what position they thought they would be best at, and which position they liked best (not always the same thing). My son replied, like all the other kids. For the next session, all the kids were placed where they had said they like best, except my son. The following session, they were placed where they had said they thought they would play best. Except my son.
My son came home and told me what was going on. I told him to tell the coach that what he was doing was unfair, and that he deserved to get the chance to play where he wanted just like the other kids. At the following session, my son spoke to his coach. His response was to take my son aside, and whisper in his ear, that he can do what he likes because he’s the coach and my son shouldn’t run and tell me anything.
My son is nine years old. What’s wrong with this guy?!?
Protective Parent
Some parents just aren’t satisfied to have their own children in their camp and feel the need to “gather” other children into their pockets. I find it disturbing. It shows an extreme insecurity and it’s very unhealthy.
It’s not even about parenting; it’s about boundaries. Some people just don’t have them. It’s now your turn to talk to the coach. This isn’t Man United — it’s city little league. He must give your kid the same opportunities he’s giving everyone else’s kid.
According to a similar sports program, as a parent volunteer, he has no authority, so if he doesn’t comply, you have every right to talk to the people who run the program. They may speak to the coach, or remove him or move your kid to another team.
Dear Lisi: My neighbour doesn’t stop talking. She’s an accomplished doctor, a mother of four, a dog owner, and, as I was told just yesterday, in the midst of an ugly divorce. I haven’t seen her for a few months, probably because of the weather, and bumped into her on a walk with my other friend.
Within minutes, she had divulged her entire life story to my friend, replete with why she was getting a divorce (he had an affair, allegedly), and about the new house she just purchased. My friend was dumbfounded, and a bit overwhelmed by this woman’s verbal diarrhea.
She’s a nice person, and we’ve had some nice walks, but she’s really a lot. I’m not sure I want to spend any more time with her because I’m not interested in listening to her crazy stories.
How do I tell her that she needs to tone herself down so we can be friends?
She’s too much
You don’t. She’s your neighbour, and a dog-walking acquaintance. You can’t see yourself being friends with her unless she changes. But she is who she is! So, choose not to be friends with her.
I’m not saying that to be mean, but we aren’t meant to be besties with everyone we meet. If you don’t enjoy her company, don’t hang out with her. You’ve both lived this long without knowing each other. It’s fine.
But don’t tell her to tone herself down or change in any way. That’s not cool.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “friend” who “stole” her friend’s job (Feb. 1):
Reader – “Friends can’t ‘steal’ what you don’t have. I disagree with you on this. It’s true that your friends are not entitled to your possessions e.g., your partner. They’re also not entitled to steal your job. Those would both be betrayals of the highest order.
“However, potential jobs or potential opportunities are fair game. Since you don’t ‘own’ them or are entitled to them yet, there is nothing to steal/betray. (Exception is a potential partner.)
“The reason her friend remained quiet is because it was awkward that she got the job her friend wanted. Had neither of them been successful, no harm would’ve been done.”
Lisi – Let’s agree to disagree. I don’t believe that a partner is a possession. Nor do I think it’s right for a friend to apply for a job they KNOW their friend wants. That’s sneaky and conniving.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
