Dear Lisi: My daughter has been with the same man for nearly two decades. She is a beautiful woman about to turn 40. She’s successful in her career and owns her own house. The two have lived separately almost their whole relationship, until two years ago. He moved in with her when his dad sold the family home and he had nowhere else to go, on the premise that he would help pay the bills and pay her some rent.
He hasn’t paid any of the bills and stopped paying her rent after a year, about a year ago. It’s not for lack of funds, as he smokes and drinks. In fact, I believe him to be an alcoholic.
I keep telling her to get rid of him. He brings nothing to the party. He lost his licence about 10 years ago, due to drunk driving, and hasn’t tried to get it back since. He had a basic job for years, but has recently lost that job, and doesn’t seem to be urgently looking for a new one. He’s a bum and a mooch and I want my daughter to get rid of him.
He lies a lot about money. She gets angry with him, he thinks she will forget about it and move on, but she doesn’t — she just lets it go. But then something similar happens again and again. It’s like Groundhog Day.
I’m considering cutting her out of my will as I have worked too hard to give my money to that man. What do you think we can do?
Concerned Parent
From your description alone, this man doesn’t sound like a prize. But your daughter clearly has feelings towards him, or she wouldn’t have stayed with him for 20 years. He doesn’t control her, as they didn’t live together for the first 18 years. She must have had a clue what she was getting into when she invited him to move in.
Unfortunately, if her hopes were high, he’s dashed them with his apparent laziness and unwillingness to help, financially or otherwise. But as a 40-year-old adult woman, you can only advise her, and try to help her see the bigger picture. You can’t control her actions or her feelings, no matter how bizarre they seem.
As far as your will goes, I suggest you speak with an estate planning attorney. They can help you set up your will with regards to your daughter and her inheritance.
Dear Lisi: How do you deal with all the haters who write to you?
You Suck
Sometimes people misinterpret what I write and jump to conclusions. Sometimes people point things out that I didn’t realize. If someone is just writing to be mean, I ignore them. If someone opens my eyes to a different viewpoint, I usually write them back personally and thank them. Or I’ll write people back to explain myself, which usually leads to a lovely back and forth exchange.
But haters gonna hate and there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m just gonna shake it off.
FEEDBACK Regarding the guy whose date had bad breath (Feb. 22):
Reader #1 - “Many years ago, I met a young lady and dated her for a while. When we had our first kiss, it wasn’t too pleasant. I said, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t kiss you anymore — your breath really stinks.’ I hurt her feelings, she got up and abruptly left.
“Five days later there was a knock at my door. She wanted us to try again. After about a month she said, ‘When you told me my breath stunk it hurt my feelings. But that was the best thing you could have said to me because I stopped smoking.’ She never smoked again.”
Reader #2 – “I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes. If it were me, would I want to know that I had bad breath? Yes, I would. So, I would say something.
“Some people will be offended; some will be grateful. In my opinion, those who get offended probably aren’t my kind of people. But for me, thankful responses have far outweighed the offended responses, and those people have become great friends to this day.
“If he doesn’t say anything, and they somehow manage a relationship, and then down the road she hears the story, she may be devastated that he never told her. She won’t believe that he has her best interests at heart.”
Reader #3 – “I happen to have an allergy to garlic. Even a small amount will give me bad breath (really bad) almost immediately. Maybe this is what’s happening to this lady.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
