Sadly, American humourist P.J. O’Rourke died this spring at 74. The cause of death was lung cancer. O’Rourke was a two-pack a day smoker, and it cost him.
I don’t imagine O’Rourke was everyone’s cup of tea, or in his case, scotch. While his more than 20 books straddled the political aisle, and three made the New York Times Best Seller list, he was more comfortable as a libertarian than as a liberal.
What follows are some of his best lines, chosen so as to offend every taste and inclination.
Of government: “Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
“It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.”
“The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”
Of America’s two main parties: “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.”
Of American foreign policy: “Wherever there’s injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it’s happening.”
Of the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg: “There is spectacular art … but most of it is junk. There are Titian rent-payers, Peter Paul Rubens factory seconds, Watteaus painted by the yard … and a batch of Fragonards that should have gone to the guillotine with Marie Antoinette. All of this slapped on the walls at random, hanging in full sunlight in galleries with the windows standing open.”
On Russian hotels (this written in the mid-1990s): “Every question or request … is met with a stare of dull surprise.
Do you have soup today?
Waiter pauses, frowns, grimly considers. “Yes.”
What kind of soup?
“Different kinds. “
Could you tell me some of the different kinds?
“Soup of the day.”
I asked a long-distance operator, “Will you put this call through to the United States?”
“Maybe,” he replied.
Of politicians: “When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.”
“Politicians are interested in people. Not that it is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”
On clothes: “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” And again, “A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady, and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”
On celebrities: “You can’t shame or humiliate modern celebrities. If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you’ve read his autobiography.”
And my favourite: “If government were a product, selling it would be illegal. You certainly don’t want to get any of it on you.”
R.I.P, P.J. O’Rourke.
