As we were raising our busy tribe of children, we were blessed with an abundance of unsolicited parenting advice.
I found there was a reverse correlation between advice and the adviser’s experience — the fewer children a person had, the more he or she knew about successful child-rearing. The absolute experts in the field seemed to be 20-somethings who had gained their piercing insights from casual interaction with nieces and nephews. They were rivalled only by people who had translated their experience gained from raising cats or dogs into a wealth of information on the feeding and grooming of small humans.
So I looked a little askance at an article about a British cabinet minister advising parents not to tell their children they look beautiful. Such compliments, she said, will place too much emphasis on appearance and might lead to “body confidence issues” later in life.
My suspicions were borne out a couple of paragraphs later — Jo Swinson, the U.K. women’s minister, is 33 and has no children. But, by golly, she has a niece, which makes her the perfect person to write the definitive book on how to raise successful, healthy, happy, well-balanced, confident children.
Her advice was part of the British government’s campaign that aims to raise awareness of the positive and negative portrayals of bodies in the media and find ways to build self-esteem in kids. She says kids who get compliments about wearing a good-looking outfit or having nice hair might get the message that those are the most important things in life.
Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on what else goes into the mix.
If the only compliments a girl hears are about how beautiful she is, if her parents are obsessed about looks and clothes, that can lead to a lifetime of seeking validation through always trying to look like a fashion model. But children growing up should be served a rich and varied diet of compliments and praise, with a minimum of criticism.
Many otherwise excellent parents have undone much of their good work by constant criticism. Sarcasm and putdowns leave deep wounds — they should not be part of parenting.
Don’t insult them with phony praise, though — they can see through that. Let them know you enjoy their company, that you value them as people. Treat them with respect, and they will be respectful to themselves and others. Often, your tone of voice will tell them far more than your words will.
Listen, listen, listen. If I could rewind the tape and start over again, I would lecture less and listen more. You can learn profound truths by listening to your kids.
I watched one of my sons as a young teenager trying different mannerisms, different hairstyles. “Just be yourself,” I told him. “But I don’t know who I am,” he said. Who does at that age?
Another son took to wearing reflective sunglasses. I looked into his eyes and saw reflections of myself. Another powerful lesson.
Be firm; be flexible. Give them responsibilities and hold them accountable, but recognize they are still trying to figure out who they are. Making mistakes is in their job description. Don’t ever give up on them.
Go ahead — tell your children they are beautiful, because they are. It won’t scar them for life.
The scars come from not knowing they are loved.
