To all, and especially to those who have lost a loved one to murder, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you I’m sorry for your loss.
People don’t understand the pain, confusion, bewilderment and emptiness that is felt. Their world goes on, but ours — mentally, emotionally and spiritually — stops.
Even the taste of coffee first thing in the morning, the smell of fresh-cut flowers or the giggle of a child barely touches our senses. More than anything else, we want to be with our lost one, but we know we must somehow carry on for our other children, our families, friends and even ourselves. It is the ultimate challenge to carry on. We do.
Of everyone, we know how precious life is, and are surprised how our bodies simply keep functioning without us being present, like self-contained energy cells. Our minds feel as if we are living dead.
There is confusion only we understand. Every path leads to pain in our mind and heart. We desperately yearn to see their face, but in our hearts, there is an empty, dark space. Only our soul keeps us alive. We somehow endure.
Gratitude is our only hope, but we have difficulty seeing it anywhere. There has to be something we are thankful for.
Maybe it is the taste of that coffee in the morning. Maybe it is the person who brings us that coffee. Maybe it is the ability to observe life outside our grief. Maybe it is the realization we are still alive.
We are almost forced to be grateful. That is all that keeps us alive and sane.
The odd moment of gratitude, appreciating those who care about us and what happened to our lost one starts to awaken you. There seems to be a speck of light in the long, dark, seemingly endless tunnel we stare into every day. We must focus on that light to survive and gently allow ourselves to grieve as long as it takes.
My eldest daughter, Lindsay Buziak, was killed at 5:40 p.m. on Feb. 2, 2008. She was stabbed more than 40 times, with her throat slit and her breasts mutilated. She was five-foot-two and 99 pounds.
I went to the morgue under police supervision to hold my dead daughter and cry and cry and cry. I held her, I kissed her, I said my goodbyes to her body. I made a vow to her.
Again, this month, I will return to Victoria to honour Lindsay. Her killing has remained unsolved for six years, and I remain active and committed to seeing those responsible face justice.
Part of the purpose of my trip to the coast is to attend the celebration of Lindsay’s life, which will take place at 7 p.m. this evening at Breakwater Bistro. There is also a Walk for Justice for Lindsay starting at 10 a.m. on Sunday at the Royal Oak Burial Park’s gates. The walk is a peaceful stroll of about 17 kilometres through Mount Douglas Park to the Saanich Municipal Hall.
Everyone is invited to these two events.
