Recently my partner vacuumed the inside of my computer and broke it.
I use this computer for everything: paid work, volunteer work, banking, staying in touch with family and friends, learning a new language, reading ebooks, and streaming movies from the public library. It’s my office, my school, and my entertainment and communication centre all in one.
I felt strangely numb when it died. My thought bubble went something like this: “oh, it’s dead, oh well… move on”. It was pretty funny to watch my habit patterns for a while after that. Countless times I’d go to the computer to do some work, or for some down time and surprise, had to find something else to do.
I turned to the computer several times a day until I finally understood and unplugged.
However, the point of my story isn’t our addiction to e-everything, but rather an amazing thing that happened to me:
I didn’t blame my partner.
Just as well, as we found out much later the problem was not the vacuumed up computer chip of my imaginings, but rather an old power supply that just coincidentally stopped working. At the time I just felt a little empty or numb. When I realized the numbness I felt was actually a lack of blaming, I was astonished.
I’ve been sharing a bit of my practice life here, so you may know that I’ve been working on responsibility, which led to going to the recent Truth and Reconciliation event in Vancouver and embracing the idea of decolonization. I’ve also been meditating more each day and becoming more embodied, more aware of my life moment to moment. However, I never at all imagined that blame was a part of my life or that I could be free of blaming. I can see how it would play a huge role in a responsible life. People who take responsibility don’t blame others for their misfortunes. And it must be a deep response to the tragedy of colonization. If I’m to be truthful with myself, I can’t just blame my European ancestors and walk away. I believe I have to start to see my role in the ongoing colonization, and find new ways of relating to First Nations, to the land, and to my culture’s dependence on oil.
Noticing blame and suddenly being free of it is like a fish suddenly noticing the water. I’ve apparently been blaming my lovely partner for over three decades.
That pattern may not be gone for good, but I am now deeply aware of it, and more than ready to let it go.
I ascribe this new surprising awareness to my zen practice. This practice takes many forms besides seated meditation. There’s walking meditation, chanting, working mindfully, paying attention to habits, being present in my life, investigating habits of thought that keep me separate, seeing the whole and dissolving into it.
This is the direction I’m choosing for my life. I love the challenge, the call to action, the need for humour and creativity, the friendship and support of fellow travelers along the way. I’m also inspired by the teachings that are the voices of ordinary women and men who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago. They say everyday meaningful things like “work hard!”
Supported by the teachings of these ancient people, by my living teacher, and a loving community, perhaps I do work hard.
I just never imagined that I would quietly and without any noticeable effort give up blame.
Recently my partner vacuumed the inside of my computer and broke it.
I use this computer for everything: paid work, volunteer work, banking, staying in touch with family and friends, learning a new language, reading ebooks, and streaming movies from the public library. It’s my office, my school, and my entertainment and communication centre all in one.
I felt strangely numb when it died. My thought bubble went something like this: “oh, it’s dead, oh well… move on”. It was pretty funny to watch my habit patterns for a while after that. Countless times I’d go to the computer to do some work, or for some down time and surprise, had to find something else to do.
I turned to the computer several times a day until I finally understood and unplugged.
However, the point of my story isn’t our addiction to e-everything, but rather an amazing thing that happened to me:
I didn’t blame my partner.
Just as well, as we found out much later the problem was not the vacuumed up computer chip of my imaginings, but rather an old power supply that just coincidentally stopped working. At the time I just felt a little empty or numb. When I realized the numbness I felt was actually a lack of blaming, I was astonished.
I’ve been sharing a bit of my practice life here, so you may know that I’ve been working on responsibility, which led to going to the recent Truth and Reconciliation event in Vancouver and embracing the idea of decolonization. I’ve also been meditating more each day and becoming more embodied, more aware of my life moment to moment. However, I never at all imagined that blame was a part of my life or that I could be free of blaming. I can see how it would play a huge role in a responsible life. People who take responsibility don’t blame others for their misfortunes. And it must be a deep response to the tragedy of colonization. If I’m to be truthful with myself, I can’t just blame my European ancestors and walk away. I believe I have to start to see my role in the ongoing colonization, and find new ways of relating to First Nations, to the land, and to my culture’s dependence on oil.
Noticing blame and suddenly being free of it is like a fish suddenly noticing the water. I’ve apparently been blaming my lovely partner for over three decades.
That pattern may not be gone for good, but I am now deeply aware of it, and more than ready to let it go.
I ascribe this new surprising awareness to my zen practice. This practice takes many forms besides seated meditation. There’s walking meditation, chanting, working mindfully, paying attention to habits, being present in my life, investigating habits of thought that keep me separate, seeing the whole and dissolving into it.
This is the direction I’m choosing for my life. I love the challenge, the call to action, the need for humour and creativity, the friendship and support of fellow travelers along the way. I’m also inspired by the teachings that are the voices of ordinary women and men who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago. They say everyday meaningful things like “work hard!”
Supported by the teachings of these ancient people, by my living teacher, and a loving community, perhaps I do work hard.
I just never imagined that I would quietly and without any noticeable effort give up blame.
Soshin McMurchyis a novice priest with Zenwest Buddhist Society (zenwest.ca), and serves as the Buddhist chaplain with the University of Victoria Multifaith Services.She lives with her life-partner Doshu who is a junior priest with Zenwest.
You can read more articles on our interfaith blog Spiritually Speaking HERE
