Good people of Nanaimo,
It is with great pride and no small measure of humility that I wish to declare my last-minute entry as a candidate in Wednesday’s provincial byelection.
As you know, this is no ordinary byelection. The future of the entire B.C. government is at stake, which is why residents can’t crack a window lest a campaign volunteer sneak in.
If the New Democrats retain the seat, the status quo will prevail, with the NDP — shakily supported by the Greens — keeping a slim majority in the legislature. If the Liberals win, there will effectively be a tie, forcing five minutes of three-on-three overtime, or possibly a provincewide election. Since Canada’s federal election is already scheduled for October, that means British Columbians could go through two campaigns in one year. Super. That would be like two Christmases. Or root canals.
Now, there are — at least on paper — alternatives to the NDP and Liberals in the Hub City, as some still call it. The Libertarians have a candidate, as do the Greens, who are running Michele Ney, the daughter of former mayor Frank Ney, who used to dress up as a pirate. Alas, she has thus far resisted the urge to don the costume and growl “Say aye to Ney!”
The Conservatives have someone on the ballot, too. This is where the intersection of provincial and federal politics gets messy: The Conservatives should not be confused with the Conservatives, and the Liberals should not be confused with the Liberals. I hope that clears things up.
Then there’s the Vancouver Island Party, which (for real) wants the Island to be its own province. This is nonsense, of course. The Island should be two provinces, divided by the Trans-Canada/Island highway. (Totally different cultures: hiking, hunting, Lucky Lager and tree-cutters on one side of the road; yoga, vegans, hipster beer and tree-hugging on the other.)
None of these candidates offer what I do: Raw sexual energy.
But Jack, you ask, do you live in Nanaimo?
No, no I do not, but neither did Tommy Douglas before being elected the area’s member of Parliament in 1969. Admittedly, voting for a parachute candidate over a homegrown one is like choosing a gas-station burrito over your mother’s cooking. Not a ringing endorsement for mom.
But Jack, you ask, do you have what it takes to serve in the legislature?
Yes, I once spent a summer cutting cordwood in Quebec, so I know how to fire up a wood splitter. It blew a hose one day, spraying the trees with red hydraulic fluid, which dripped bloodily from every branch as though the wood splitter had been responsible for a terrible massacre. There’s a political metaphor in there somewhere.
But Jack, you ask, have you not held elected office at all? Not even Nanaimo city council?
No, but I once watched a Bruce Lee movie and have observed several bar fights while cowering under tables.
Which brings me to my platform. As MLA, I would:
• Make City Council Entertaining Again. It has been much too quiet since November.
• Annex Lantzville. The next-door neighbour municipality’s council was almost as tumultuous as Nanaimo’s last term. Sensory overload. It brings to mind what Sir John A. Macdonald (and I hereby apologize to Victoria councillors if that name sends them reaching for the Xanax) told Thomas D’Arcy McGee: “Look here, McGee, this government can’t afford two drunkards, and you’ve got to stop.”
• A chicken in every pot. Or pot in every chicken. Or pot, period. The city has Tilray growing marijuana by the haystack load, yet has no legal storefronts at all. That makes Nanaimo the equivalent of Lynchburg, Tennessee, where Jack Daniels bourbon is made in a dry county.
• Build more malls.
• Add more fun street names. In a city with Twiggly Wiggly Road, Giggleswick Place, Dingle Bingle Hill Road, Bergen-Op-Zoom Road and what appear to be many, many Jingle Pot Roads, how did Fifth Street even get in the door?
Alternatively, I could mind my own business and let people in Nanaimo decide what’s best for Nanaimo, without all the helpful advice they’re getting from outside the riding this week.
> For more on Nanaimo's byelection, go to timescolonist.com/bcelection
