A new year, time to predict the stories that will shape our lives in 2014.
Jan. 1 — Phased-in ban of incandescent lights extends across Canada. Stores no longer stock 75- and 100-watt bulbs.
Jan. 1 — Sale of marijuana becomes legal in Colorado, with Washington state to follow in mid-2014. End of Prohibition kills market for smuggled B.C. Bud.
Jan. 5 — Centennial Square weed dealers switch to selling incandescent bulbs. Street price is $1 a watt.
Jan. 12 — After a year in which he gets in a series of scuffles with neighbours and photographers, is sued by a bodyguard for assault, moons on Instagram, shows up two hours late for a London concert, gets in a fight in a Hamptons nightclub, has his monkey confiscated in Germany, angers a couple of ex-NFL players with his reckless driving, gets banned from a Vegas indoor skydiving facility, serenades his grandmother while wearing nothing but a guitar and is filmed urinating in a restaurant mop bucket and cursing at a photo of Bill Clinton, Justin Bieber wins the Golden Globe award for World’s Second Most Erratic Canadian.
Feb. 8 — Hearings begin into Enbridge’s proposal to pipe sludge 18 kilometres uphill from Victoria’s McLoughlin Point sewage treatment plant to Hartland dump biosolids facility.
Feb. 23 — Russia wins Olympic hockey gold after Vladimir Putin jails Sidney Crosby for “hooliganism.” Rioters leave downtown Vancouver in flames. “Sorry,” they say. “Reflex.”
March 6 — Victoria Flower Count reaches record 22 billion.
March 7 — Victoria Homeless Count reaches record 22 billion.
March 21 — Mayor Dean Fortin greets ZZ Top on band’s return to Victoria: “I’m a big fan of Duck Dynasty.”
April 10 — Prime Minister Stephen Harper is buoyed by poll showing him to be the most popular politician in the country.
April 11 — The country in question turns out to be China. Chairman Stephen moves to Beijing.
May 9 — Seeking to retain Toronto base, Conservatives anoint Rob Ford as prime minister.
May 10 — Doug Ford is appointed governor general/social convener.
June 1 — Having successfully exterminated the penny, the Royal Canadian Mint replaces the nickel with Canadian Tire money.
June 2 — Protesters outside mint chant, “We want nickel back.”
June 3 — Chad Kroeger returns from exile in Los Angeles. “I feel vindicated.”
June 19 — NDP Leader Thomas (I Scowl In My Sleep) Mulcair pulls a groin while gamely attempting to look relaxed and charismatic.
July 1 — This year’s Canada Day/Fete du Regurgitation casualty count in Victoria:
• Inner Harbour arrests for disorderly conduct: 132
• Flag-as-a-minidress teenage girls hospitalized with alcohol poisoning: 37
• Maple-leaf-painted-on-chest teenage boys who try to drunkenly punch out the Captain Cook statue: 38
• B.C. Transit vomit comets: five
• Exhibitionist couples having sex in a window of the Fairmont Empress: another one
July 2 — Ford brothers pay spur-of-the-moment official state visit to Victoria.
July 13 — Brazil wins soccer’s World Cup. Rioters leave downtown Vancouver in flames. “Sorry,” they say. “Reflex.”
Aug. 4 — Thermometers in Winnipeg reach 41 C, raising 2014 average daily temperature to absolute zero.
Aug. 16 — A Kardashian will get married/divorced/pregnant in a highly public manner. Going out on a limb here.
Sept. 28 — Victoria is devastated by earthquake. Only structure left standing is Johnson Street bridge.
Oct. 14 — Harper capitalizes on inspiration of astronaut Chris Hadfield by leaving Canadian Space Agency projects unfunded, axing programs at Saanich’s Centre of the Universe, shutting Canada’s scientific libraries and throwing out a treasure trove of scientific research. Wait, no, that was 2013.
Oct. 15 — Conservatives cancel Avro Arrow “for old time’s sake.”
Nov. 7 — CRTC orders broadcasters to stop referring to Justin Trudeau as Prime Minister-in-Waiting McDreamy.
Nov. 18 — B.C.’s liquefied natural gas plans are put in jeopardy by a warning from Health Canada: “Studies show fracking is associated with an increased risk of chronic back pain, significant joint damage and problem pregnancies.”
Nov. 19 — Natural gas plans back on track after Health Canada admits confusing “fracking” with “twerking.”
Dec. 22 — Caught doing hooters shooters with topless waitress during a trade mission to Colorado, Prime Minister Ford apologizes. “Sorry. So, so, so sorry. It’s the Toronto Star’s fault. Support our troops. Look, I can carve a bong out of a potato.”
