Last week, we had a question from a grandmother with a dilemma:
"My grandson is a wonderful little fellow (eight years old)," she wrote, "but has the habit of 'flashing/penis whirling.' He has done it at school, at home, out camping, out in the playgrounds and then laughs and thinks it is very funny. I told him that he is a little man now and that is a baby habit, please don't do that and your privates are to be kept private behind your bedroom door and not broadcasted. Did I tell him correctly? What should his family and I do to correct this habit?" Here's what our parent educators and a reader had to say:
Iconsulted with my colleagues about this question and here is what we came up with.
1) You did handle it very well. One challenge might be that other kids laugh and give him positive attention for the behaviour. Parents, grandparents and teachers could step in with a reminder that it's not acceptable when he does this, and if it continues, they could impose a brief time out. Time outs are good strategies for this kind of attention-getting behaviour. It's important that the tone is serious with him, not angry. Anger can turn time outs into a punishment. Time out is an opportunity to unplug and remember that the behaviour isn't acceptable.
2) Stressing the message of private is important and can also be linked to manners - we don't pick our noses in public or use "poo poo pee pee" talk when we are eight and we don't whirl our penises.
3) He needs to know about this special and important body part. You could read Meg Hickling's wonderful Body Science.
4) Ask him if he has seen any older kids or grownups "flashing and whirling." Or has somebody ever asked him to do this? Get curious about the broader situation just to make sure this isn't a reaction to something that has happened to him.
Supportive intervention and subtle supervision will help him get past this phase. He has found a way to get some spicy attention. Help him understand that his need to feel significant and to belong is very important. Coach him to find out what else works in this department.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness that you, grandma, have put into this situation and I'm grateful that your approach didn't attack his character, which could cause shame. Instead, you corrected the behaviour and gave some useful guidance, telling him this body part is to be explored in private. Well done.
Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars
Yes, you have done the right thing. It is completely normal for children to be interested and curious about their private parts.
Parents often worry that this touching and exploration is sexual behaviour, but the child's perspective is that it feels good and nothing more.
Children need to know that if they feel they need to touch their private parts, they should do it in private in their own rooms or in the bathroom. That is why we call them "private parts."
If your grandchild shows his private parts in public, resist the urge to punish or react strongly. Instead re-direct the behaviour into a more socially acceptable play, reminding him that we do not show our private parts in public. Often, dad can come in handy here as he can let his son know that he never shows his parts off in public and his son will want to follow his lead.
Remember that this is very typical behaviour - it just requires us to take the lead to help our children figure out what is socially acceptable.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator
You are right to be concerned, as this is unusual behaviour for an eight-year-old boy. It may be a quirk that needs to be remedied, or there may be an adult in his life who is causing him to believe that his penis is a desirable object of observation.
Marjorie Anderson
Next question:
My seven-year-old daughter has reached the stage where, when she has a playdate at our house, she doesn't want her five-year-old sister joining in. As you can imagine, this is very hurtful for her little sister. At the same time, she deserves time to play alone with her friend. How can we manage this situation so it doesn't end in tears?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
