Last week, we had a question about self-esteem:
“My 11-year-old daughter is really hard on herself. She says things like, ‘I am stupid, I am ugly.’ It really breaks my heart. Words just don’t seem to make a difference. Is this a self-esteem issue? How can I help her?”
Here’s what our parenting consultants had to say:
Your 11-year-old daughter is entering a time of transition. At one point, she will appear confident and independent, and yet at another, insecurities surface.
When this happens, kids often make very extreme statements. It is upsetting to hear, but you can guide her through this.
The typical response is, “You know you aren’t ugly or dumb …” but that doesn’t really help. Kids tend to dismiss these well-meaning comments from their parents. It is better to take an approach that is understanding and real.
Everyone struggles at times when they feel insecure, inadequate or overwhelmed, and when we feel that way, we often think negative thoughts.
We make blanket statements that end up making us feel worse. It’s good to learn that these feelings are normal, and just because we think something, that doesn’t make it true.
So your first step is to listen to her feelings and be present for her in a way that is not feeling sorry for her, but calm and supportive.
Give her space to express herself and you might get to the root of why she is feeling this way.
Be careful not to take over her problem, but be alongside her and pull out her thoughts and ideas. In other words, be a coach.
Ask her questions that start with “what,” not “why.” When we ask a question starting with “why,” the person often feels judged.
Short questions that start with “what” tend to invite the person to dig into issues.
Here are some examples:
• What about this situation do you struggle with?
• What is important to you?
• What do you truly want?
• What could you do?
• What else?
• What’s next?
Supporting your daughter this way will tap into her own resources and build resilience, boosting her confidence. As she matures, she’ll get better at problem-solving, especially with this kind of assistance.
When you guide kids without taking over, you show respect for their ability and give them room to grow a deeper sense of self.
Allison Rees
Lifseminars.com
Unfortunately, this is very common at this age. Self-esteem is a tricky one. A decade or so ago, the self-esteem movement had us all praising every little thing our children did.
What we found was that we had a generation of children who felt that they should be able to accomplish anything, and when it did not work out, they gave up, feeling like they were not good enough.
Children feel good about themselves by being challenged and learning to step up and feel failure in the process.
These days, this is called grit or resilience. When a child develops resilience to the trials of life, she realizes that she can manage and will often do more than she thought she could.
As parents, we want to ease our children’s struggles in life, often taking over and stepping in when things do not go well.
Allowing your child to try hard and even fail is a great opportunity to talk about how it felt for her and demonstrate that you love her regardless of the outcome.
Kurt Hahn, a key figure in the development of experiential education, said, “There is more in you than you know.” We need to allow our children to push themselves and feel the joy of accomplishment as well as the disappointment of defeat.
When your daughter succeeds at something, instead of praising her, ask her how it felt, so she will reflect on her own feelings about achieving something difficult. She will learn to do things for her own sake rather than to please others.
Similarly, when things do not go well, hold her close and let her speak of her disappointment without diminishing the effort she put into it. Never try to fix an unfortunate situation, as she will need to see that she has the power to effect change without her parents stepping in.
As for body image, what young women watch on TV, movies or in magazines perpetuates the myth of the female size and shape. When you are watching together, speak to her about how completely unrealistic this is as an example of a role model. Look for books that celebrate who people are, rather than what they look like. This is a great site to look at with your daughter:
teentalk.ca/issues/body-image/body-image-and-the-media
Do not let her hear your own insecurities (if you have them) about your shape and size, as children internalize the way adults feel about themselves and model their feelings after that.
Often, young girls feel they do not fit in or are not good enough. Hold your daughter close through thick and thin, letting her know that you love her for the wonderful person she is, especially when things do not go well. Resist praise so that she does things for their intrinsic value and help her understand that body images presented in the media are too unrealistic to ever actually be achieved.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
Next question:
My five-year-old daughter hits when she’s angry — usually, she lashes out at her sister or me (not, to my knowledge at friends). What’s the best way to deal with this?
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Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
