Last week, a mother had a question about her young daughter’s habit of hitting:
“My five-year-old daughter hits when she’s angry — usually, she lashes out at her sister or me (not, to my knowledge, at friends). What's the best way to deal with this?”
Here’s what our parenting consultants had to say:
This is common behaviour in young children. Children of this age often lash out in frustration when things do not work for them. At this age, most children have not developed their mixed feelings. This means they cannot remember they love their mother or sister at the same time as they are upset with them. So the urge to hurt is not tempered by remembering that they care for that person. Try not to take this behaviour personally. This is usually a stage that you can help move forward in a positive way.
• Acknowledge your daughter’s feelings of frustration. If she feels heard and understood, she is more likely to refrain from hitting.
• When your child hits, calmly hold her hands and tell her that we do not hit in frustration. Take your daughter away from the situation and redirect her behaviour.
• When things are calm, likely later in the day, and you and your daughter are feeling particularly close, bring up the incident again and talk about how hitting is never a good way to solve frustrations.
Together, come up with more acceptable ways to get out those feelings. It might be punching a pillow or an old stuffy. It might be to create a drawing or painting to express her feelings.
• Look for the triggers, so that you can divert these behaviours before they become problematic. Pay attention to your daughter’s daily cycles. Is there a time of day that this sort of behaviour typically occurs? Could it be when she is overtired or hungry? If this is the case, you can easily take care of these basic needs before they become hurtful.
• Be a great role model. It is pretty hard to ask a child not to hit if we rely on spanking as a disciplinary tool.
• If the hitting is a result of frustration at not getting her own way, make sure you never relent and give in to your daughter. This teaches her that if you become aggressive, you can get your way.
• Sometimes, it seems a matter of your child just doing it for attention. If this is the case, give her warm and loving attention. Later, when you are close, remind her that all she needs to do is ask for attention when she needs it and for your part, you will try to pay better attention so that you can give her more of your time when she needs it.
Through all of this, remember that this is a stage and if you deal with this through the relationship, holding your daughter close, all will work out.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
We say that four- to five-year-olds are in their first adolescence. This age can carry a lot of strong emotions, regardless of the child’s temperament. It isn’t unusual for a five-year-old to hit when she is angry.
Young kids aren’t great at expressing their feelings. If they use their words, it often sounds like, “I hate you.” While we don’t approve of the behaviour, we have to accept that the life skill of noticing feelings and monitoring our behaviour in relation to more intense emotions is a big order and next to impossible for a five-year-old.
Don’t underestimate the power of using your reflective-listening skills.
I mention this a lot but for good reason: When you reflect a child’s feelings and the reason you think she might feel that way, you are teaching her a valuable life skill. You are giving her the words that she can eventually start to use. Don’t worry about getting it wrong if your intention is to understand her. You may not see overnight results with this, but doing it puts you on the right path.
You can still set a limit by saying, “I can see you are mad but it’s not OK to hit.”
Your body language should be serious, not angry. If you want to take it a step further, you could say, “When you hit you sit.”
Have her sit until she can express herself without hitting. This may help, but you would have to be committed to being very consistent for a few weeks.
The other part of this is stepping back and identifying the triggers. What seems to set her off? Is it when she is sharing a toy? When she is hungry or tired? At a certain time of the day?
Many kids would behave differently if they actually could and when immaturity is combined with another trigger, a logical consequence is completely ineffective. Combine reflection with identifying the triggers and you’ll be on your way to helping her move out of this behaviour.
Allison Rees
Lifeseminars.com
Next question:
Most of the time, my 10-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son get along, but when they fight, it is very disruptive. My daughter tends to scream and become very dramatic and I think this is somewhat entertaining to my son. Sometimes I can ignore it, but other times, it is so infuriating that I send them both to their rooms. What else can I do?
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