Last week, a parent wrote about a new teen:
“My daughter has recently started becoming very secretive. She just turned 13 and up until recently, I’ve felt like we are close. She pulls away when I go to hug her and I get the impression that I’m no longer somebody she looks up to. It is hard not to take this personally even though I know some of it is normal. How can I help her through her teen years if she is pulling away like this?”
Here’s what our parent educators had to say:
The teen years are preparation for adulthood, when our kids won’t have us to help them all the time. So their pulling away is a healthy sign that they are getting ready to grow up. They need to learn how to be independent, and they need to learn how to figure out who in the world they can trust.
There can be a fairly painful thump as we fall off our parental pedestal. We seem to get replaced by friends who are much cooler than us. According to our teens, we dress funny, say embarrassing things and even our breathing can be annoying.
We go to give our teens a hug and they pull away. We ask about their day and they look right through us, as if trying to remember where they have seen us before. Teens seem to develop an allergic reaction toward parents.
Forming relationships outside the family unit is an important part of development for teens. In a few short years, they are going to be living away from their family home and they have to learn how to participate in the community without parental guidance.
Friendships can become fairly intense and eventually, an intimate relationship may develop as well.
While it can be painful for us, teens can also feel torn as they go through this stage. They still want the support and love of their parent, but it has to look different than it did before.
If they didn’t act prickly with us, how would we know to change our own behaviour?
We’d keep parenting them as if they were children. So all of their behaviour is necessary, and while knowing this might not take the sting away for us parents, it can help us take it less personally.
Some tips for parenting teens:
• Keep your reactions in check and give yourself space if you feel angry.
• Avoid making judgmental comments or criticizing them; they are more sensitive to your words than they appear to be.
• Stop nagging, reminding, lecturing and moralizing about the need to be responsible, it doesn’t work and it creates distance.
• Give them more space and avoid asking too many questions which can feel intrusive and can bring about more secrecy and lies.
• Notice the good decisions that they are making, it’s usually the negative ones that get our attention.
• When you first pick up your teen after school or from a friend’s place, commit to ten minutes of being positive or at least neutral. This helps them relax and be less defensive.
• Be creative in finding ways of connecting with your teens that are fun for you and for them.
• Maintain a sense of humour.
• Breathe deeply and tell yourself “It’s only a stage — this too shall pass.”
Allison Miller and Allison Rees
Parenting Teens, May 2 and, 7 p.m. to 9 p.m.
Many people believe that we should expect our adolescents to pull away from us and connect more with their peers. All too often, this is exactly what occurs. When care is not taken, teenagers’ friends become the predominant relationships, which leads to youth taking their cues from each other, rather than from their parents.
Luckily, you can turn this around with your daughter. It begins with you strengthening your relationship with her.
• Have a weekly date where you and she do something fun for both of you. Have family game or movie nights, give each other manicures, bake together, or do crafts.
• Limit the time she spends with her peers, both physically and online.
• Make sure you all sit down as a family every evening for dinner.
• Limit screen time, including phones, computers and TV.
• Create opportunities for the two of you to have a holiday together without others along. While it might not feel like it in the moment, as they grow up, adolescents treasure the times they spend alone with a parent. These holidays need not be expensive; camping is a great choice.
• Come alongside your daughter’s friends in a friendly way so they your daughter knows you like them, too.
Parenting adolescents is some of the most challenging but rewarding work you can do. You will never regret the time and energy you invest.
The more you connect and build your relationship with your daughter, the more she will share with you her thoughts, dreams and secrets. Keeping close as she matures and figures out who she is will allow her to let you know who she is without fear of judgment.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
Next question:
I need some help with getting my nine-year-old daughter going in the morning. After her alarm clock goes off, I have to remind her at least three times to get up. She plays with the cat and talks instead of eating her breakfast. She is so distractible that she can take 20 minutes in the bathroom! It doesn’t bother her to be late for school, since she doesn’t get in trouble for lateness, so there are no natural consequences unless you count my irritability. What can I do?
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