Last week, a dad asked how to prevent his son from turning into a sore loser. “My six-year-old son hates losing games — he has a tantrum if he loses,” he wrote. “Could this just be a phase at this age? How do we help him deal with this so he doesn’t turn into a poor loser?”
Here’s what our parent educators and a reader had to say:
It’s hard to learn to play games, and children need our help navigating both winning and losing. Learning that games are about the process and not necessarily the outcome can be difficult — even for adults. When we win, we need to be gracious with our opponents. When we lose, life can be more challenging.
Remember that losing or not getting one’s way helps kids develop grit and resiliency. The best learning happens in life when things do not go our way. Children learn that they can adapt when life seems unfair.
There are a few things we can do as parents to facilitate learning to be a good loser:
n Model being a good loser. When you play games with your child and you don’t win, talk about it and how it does not always feel great, but that you had fun playing with him. Complimenting the winner on a good game is a great way to finish a game.
n Comment on the process rather than the outcome. If your child plays team sports, when he comes off the field, never mention the outcome of the game, but talk about how much fun it is to play the sport. Do not praise a win or critique a loss. Make the outcome immaterial to the fun of being involved in something he likes.
n When a tantrum occurs, let your child know that sometimes it can be frustrating to lose, but the game cannot always go his way. Hold him close and when he is calm and feeling connected to you, talk about how every game has winners and losers and we must take turns being each.
n Until your son develops some resilience about losing, think about introducing co-operative games that have no winners and losers, gradually introducing more competitive games as he is able to cope.
Jean Bigelow
Parent Educator
The bigger picture here is that kids need help with competitiveness because our society sets up many standards for winners and losers. We have letter grades, awards and sticker charts for being the best. Being the best is a false basis for self-esteem, and when our children define themselves as having value when they are a winner, every failure will become a crushing blow.
While there is nothing wrong with winning, defining yourself as a winner isn’t healthy. Winners don’t stay winners. Competition gets stiffer as kids get older, so the wise parent doesn’t focus on being the best, but rather turns the attention to the fun of playing the game or the satisfaction of learning something new.
There is such a difference when you watch somebody who loves what he does and succeeds, versus somebody who is more concerned with the end result. Ironically, when we enjoy something and have fun with it, we experience mastery.
Focus on the fun of play, but apply this in other areas of life as well. Role model being comfortable with making a mistake, losing at something and generally not taking yourself too seriously. Having a sense of humour about our shortcomings is the gateway to healthy self-esteem.
Finally, make sure you don’t inadvertently lock him into being a winner by using too much praise. Often, in an effort to boost our children’s self-esteem, we overdo our enthusiasm for their successes.
When you provide ongoing unconditional love that isn’t based on your son being the best, he will begin to accept his losses more gracefully.
Allison Rees
Parent educator
LIFE Seminars
The majority of children will reach a stage when they are able to play games according to the rules everyone accepts and live with the consequences. Prior to that stage — for many by Grade 2 or 3 — playing games according to the rules can result in sadness, tears or behaviours that can be interpreted as tantrums.
Parents of young children want to teach them not to be poor losers. I believe that up to a certain age, this goal is unreachable.
Young children believe they are the centre of the universe they live in. Everything is done for them and because of them. For these children, two things are important: “me” and “now.” If, by chance, somebody has created a game where this “most important person” loses, there must be something wrong. To solve this problem, young children will attempt to update the rules for a game while it is in progress.
Some time ago, Lynn Johnston’s cartoon For Better or For Worse showed young Michael complaining that his grandpa kept winning all the chess games. Grandpa suggested that if he lost a game on purpose, nothing would be learned. Michael responded with: “I don’t want to learn anything. I just want to win.”
I play a variety of games with my grandchildren. Prior to playing, I always ask the younger of the two, “Who will win this game?” No matter what the game, he will smile as he confidently states, “Me.”
While playing with him, I am prepared for changes of procedures that he suggests and I am also ready for his departure should he decide on what seems like a face-saving strategy: “I want to do something else now.”
One important question that needs to be answered is: What are the main reasons for playing games with young children? These could include the provision of opportunities to think, use imagination, visualize, foster confidence, experience success and communicate. The conversations that take place during a game with young children are of greater importance than any specific aspects of a game. As children talk, language and ideas are internalized.
The best games for young children are those that have a chance outcome. Here are a couple of examples.
n Guess My Animal: Hide a plastic animal behind your back and share one characteristic of the animal, for example, “It has a long tail.” Ask players to name one or more anima that they think it could not be, and one or more animal that they think it could be. The “think” is very important, since it suggests that more than one response is correct. The procedure is repeated until the hidden animal is identified. Hints to the player could also include something the hidden animal can do, eg., fly, jump, swim or run fast.
n What are Your Rules for ...: A commercial game board is placed in front of the child, who is asked to share his or her rules for the game. The game is then played according to these rules. Keep a record of the rules, so if you play again, you can see which are remembered. The child could be given the option of adding or revising rules before the game is played.
A project in a local school yielded one of my favourite observations. Two five-year-old boys were sitting over a chess board. One was explaining his rules for the game: “Ashtrays (castles) knock off ashtrays; baubles (bishops) knock off baubles; and horses knock off horses.” After he gave the opponent opportunities to knock off pieces, he introduced a new rule: “If you feel like it, you can put them back again.” He demonstrated his rule. When his opponent was about to place a piece back onto the game board, he was told, “No, you don’t feel like it.” His rules showed he had complete control. When it was the opponent’s turn to play a game according to his rules, the outcome was predictable.
It is unlikely that there is one specific approach, but raising poor losers may, in part, depend on the types of game-playing experiences children have had during their early years.
Werner Liedtke
Victoria
Next question:
Our four-year-old grandson absolutely refuses to go for a haircut — it’s always been a struggle, but he’s taken it to a whole new level. Any suggestions for his frustrated parents? He has been to kid-friendly barbershops in the past.
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
