Last week, a parent asked: “What do you do when your child idolizes someone you don’t really want him to be friends with? This boy is manipulative and has been caught in lies (stories that my son believes). My son is eight and it seems that whenever this boy is around, there’s trouble. But my son thinks the world of him.”
Here’s what our parent educators had to say:
There will always be that “friend” in your child’s life. When your son was in preschool, you had control. Now that he is in elementary school, you have lost some of that control.
This is a time for your son to develop all kinds of understanding and skills regarding friends. Unless the friend is getting into dangerous activity, you need to let your son come to his own conclusions. Otherwise, he’ll become secretive about his feelings and experiences.
When he is a teen, you will lose all control regarding his friends and if you mention anything negative about one of them, that friend will become much more interesting.
This is an opportunity to support your son in learning some great life lessons while you still have a chance. If it is true that his friend is sneaky, perhaps recognizing this will help him in the future.
Sneaky people act nice but do things behind your back. They are the hardest people to figure out. Over time, your son might make some observations, but right now, he isn’t judging his friend for having poor moral values. He’s enjoying his personality.
This is the beginning of letting go of what you actually have control over. You don’t have control over their interactions at school unless you get the staff involved. You don’t have control over how your son feels about his friend. You do have control over how you respond to your son as he discovers that his friend tells lies.
Right now, he might not care, but you can still articulate his feelings of confusion or frustrations if they arise and you can also articulate in your own words what you observe. Observations are only what you see or hear, not what you think or assume.
Put your feelings aside and be there to secure your son’s feelings, thoughts and needs. By doing this, you will help your son develop healthy boundaries and this learning will guide him for the rest of his life.
Allison Rees
Parent educator
LIFE Seminars
This is where parents need to remember that they are in charge and must take control in situations like this. The most important relationship in a child’s life should be that of the child with his parent or guardian. Our job is to do everything in our power to keep our relationship with our children as strong and reliable as possible.
That way, they will follow our lead, take on our values and learn about life from us and not their peers. You may want to limit and monitor your son’s interaction with his buddy and have the playdates carefully supervised so that the play is appropriate and reflects your views on healthy play. Do not get trapped into thinking that kids need a lot of time with their peers. They get ample at school without any extra help from us.
There are many things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your son. These are just a few suggestions:
nReduced number of play dates
nPlan one-on-one adventures to the park or beach after school and on weekends with your son, giving him ample opportunities for healthy physical activity
nSit down to family dinners EVERY night
nFamily game nights once a week
nLots of closeness each evening, reading to your son and talking with him about things that are important to him and how we need to live our lives
nLimit screen time
Peers can be a competing attachment for your child and the last thing a parent wants is for children to take their lead from their peers. Parents can take back the lead by making sure the relationship with their children is as strong as possible. It is terrifically hard work, but a lot of fun and incredibly rewarding.
Jean Bigelow
Parent Educator
Next question:
Can you offer any tips for getting kids out the door to school in the morning? My kids are in the early elementary grades, but this is something my friends who have teenagers also struggle with. Does it ever get less frantic?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
