Last week, a mother wrote in with a question about letting kids experience natural consequences.
“When my kindergartner daughter stubbornly refuses to do what she’s been asked to do, I try to make natural consequences the outcome. Don’t want to wear a coat? Fine. Eventually, she’ll get cold and ask for it. Where this strategy runs into difficulty is when it has an impact on her older sister — for example, the younger one’s refusal to put on her shoes makes her sister late for school. Or her refusal to clean up her stuff makes their shared room a mess. How do you apply natural consequences in these situations, without hurting others?”
Here’s what our parent educators and a reader had to say:
It is completely natural for children to resist doing what is asked of them. Most of us prefer not to be asked to do things that are not fun. Try working from within the relationship. When a child feels close to her parent, she is more inclined to want to please and comply.
• Get your children up 20 or 30 minutes earlier in the morning to gently start the day. Make time for connecting activities like a story or some time to snuggle before the day begins. Then help your daughter to get her shoes on in a friendly, caring way, rather than announcing that it is time to put shoes on.
• Try to make as much as possible a game that the two of you do together.
• Make a routine of everyday activities such as making beds, brushing teeth, bath time and putting toys away after playtime. This takes away her instinct to refuse to comply.
Above all, remember that a child not wanting to comply is completely normal and imposing consequences or punishments will not change the behaviour over the long term.
Be in charge and bring your daughter along in a friendly but determined way. Let her know that sometimes life can be frustrating when we do not get what we want, but you will get through it together. Solicit her good intention to help you get out of the house early in the morning, and then help her feel success as she learns responsibility.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
It’s important that this situation, which is a tough one, doesn’t get you stuck in negative patterns: your youngest being the offender, your oldest being the victim and you being the persecutor. That is something you want to avoid with this tricky issue.
In the case of sharing a bedroom, the girls both need your help to sort it out. Your five-year-old needs to play and enjoy her space and she needs to feel like the bedroom belongs to her, too. Likewise, your older daughter might need her own space within her room, which she can keep tidy.
Establishing some boundaries around their space and things would be respectful for both of them. Problem-solve with the girls from a neutral position. “We have one bedroom and two kids. It is important for you to play with your toys. And it is also important that the neutral area of the room get tidied up. What can we do?”
Make sure that whatever is agreed upon is reasonable and that the expectations allow for the limitations of a five-year-old.
Young children find cleaning up their mess difficult.
They need easy clean-up strategies, assistance and most of all, the freedom to play and not worry about messes.
Perhaps showing support and understanding will win a little more co-operation in other areas. Who knows? With enough warning, your five-year-old might put her shoes on. If not, it isn’t life threatening to put them on in the car.
Allison Rees
lifeseminars.com
Natural consequences are a good choice at that age, given that your child is in a generally loving and supported environment. When natural consequences aren’t appropriate, as in the scenarios you have described, there is the possibility of giving a “logical consequence,” that is, a consequence enforced by the adult that is related to the activity in progress. For example, if your child eats cookies on the couch without using a plate to catch the crumbs, you may give her the logical consequence that she has to vacuum this area.
Another good strategy for this age group is to give repeated reminders for any transition. At least five minutes before you want her to start getting ready to go, say, “Five more minutes until we need to get ready,” or “Five more minutes left to finish your breakfast.” Repeat this at two minutes, then one, and when the time is up, accompany her to the shoe rack and help her get started. Praise her whenever she gets ready in time, and tell her how the whole family appreciates not being rushed.
In the second scenario (not cleaning up her room, which will also affect her sister), pull her aside in a calm moment and talk to her about what it feels like to live in a messy room, not finding things you want, stumbling over toys, not being able to finish a puzzle because pieces are missing, etc. Ask her to imagine how it affects both her and her sister when the room is messy, and that it is not fair to her sister, who is trying to do her part.
Since they share a room, they both have the responsibility to keep it comfortable. An excellent book to read might be The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room, which is available at the public library.
If this doesn’t help, tell her you will help by putting a few toys away. Take one set of toys away, starting with the ones she isn’t using much any more. Give her another opportunity to clean up, help her get started, and if things still don’t improve, remove something else.
Keep the toys in a box in the basement so they can be brought out again. It might also help her to have fewer things to take care of, and she may benefit from you rotating some of her toys (things are more interesting after you haven’t seen them for a few weeks).
When my own son was that age, he was very keen on having his own money to spend. Asking him to sort out toys that he didn’t use any more and selling them at a garage sale was a big motivator for him (I reserved the right to keep what I deemed too valuable, or what I wanted to pass on to his younger brother).
Once the room is organized and there are fewer things, the expectation to keep it in order might be more realistic. Also, if you see her, for example, using her Lego to build something, and she finishes this activity, ask her to clean up all the Lego before she pulls out the next thing.
It is important to gently keep reminding her that her choices sometimes affect others, too.
Susanne Rosebrock
Child & Youth Care and ECE/special-needs worker
Next question:
My daughter has recently started becoming very secretive. She just turned 13 and up until recently, I’ve felt like we are close. She pulls away when I go to hug her and I get the impression that I’m no longer somebody she looks up to. It is hard not to take this personally, even though I know some of it is normal. How can I help her through her teen years if she is pulling away like this?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
