Last week, a parent wrote: “I need some help with getting my nine-year-old daughter going in the morning. After her alarm clock goes off, I have to remind her at least three times to get up. She plays with the cat and talks instead of eating her breakfast. She is so easily distracted that she can take 20 minutes in the bathroom. It doesn’t bother her to be late for school, since she doesn’t get into trouble for lateness, so there are no natural consequence unless you count my irritability. What can I do?”
Here’s what our parenting consultants had to say:
If your child needs to wake up with an alarm, it’s possible she is not getting enough sleep at night. Children at this age need 10 to 11 hours of sleep every night. So your first step is to ensure she gets to sleep early enough so she can wake up naturally and not with the alarm, if possible. When we are tired, it’s hard to get moving in the morning.
You also might try turning off screens of all kinds at least an hour before bed to allow her to come down from the stimulation screens bring. Having a warm bath and reading with you will help her decompress from the day and be ready for sleep.
In the morning, create a time for the two of you to connect and be close before the routine of getting ready for the day begins. You might snuggle together on a favourite chair and read a story together, so she feels connected after a night apart. Then your daughter will be more ready to start the day and do as you ask.
The key is to leave enough time so nobody is rushed and you have time together as a family before getting on with the day. If this means going to bed earlier so you can get up earlier to have these close times, it will be well worth the payoff.
If you try to impose consequences, you will find this becomes an enduring point of frustration for both of you. Changing the circumstances and mood of the morning will be much more fun while achieving the goal of getting out the door on time each day.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
I’m wondering whether you’re expecting too much of your daughter. She evidently doesn’t have the maturity to focus her attention and do things within a short time frame. Many young children are unable to do this. Now you are stuck in the trap of nagging. When you nag, you become the human cuckoo clock and your daughter will learn to tune you out.
Here are some ideas to help:
Can you get up earlier in the morning? That way, she’ll have more time to get through doing the things she needs to do.
The same with bedtime — can you start earlier? Young children are much more easily distracted than parents expect them to be, and it’s important to allow time for this rather than expecting them to be able to organize themselves like adults. Your daughter may have low blood sugar in the morning; many children do. A glass of juice right by her bed for her to drink before she does anything may help her get herself going.
Your daughter is now old enough to be learning to read. Can you put up charts with reminders of what she has to do? She could help make the charts, one for the bathroom, one for the kitchen. She can check off when she’s completed something. The chart will replace your reminding and nagging.
Your daughter is at the age when charts work best. She can feel proud of herself for completing a task and checking it off. Using a sticker or reward system is fine, but make sure you have a start and a finish. Usually, a two- to three-week window can change certain habits into more positive ones.
We parents often protect our children from consequences that seem unpleasant for them, when those unpleasant situations are exactly what they need to motivate them to change. Here are two natural consequences you may not have allowed:
• Tell your daughter you won’t wake her up anymore, and put her alarm clock on the far side of her bedroom so it will ring and ring until she actually gets out of bed to turn it off. Then let it happen. Agree that you will give her a five-minute warning before you leave in the morning.
• Ask her to pack a bag of clothes just in case she needs to get changed in the car. (It could stay in the car just in case.) The natural consequence of having to change sometime between the front door and walking into the school isn’t totally devastating, but possibly annoying enough to motivate your daughter to get ready on time.
Alison Miller and Allison Rees
Lifeseminars.com
Next question:
Our 15-year-old son just doesn’t do his schoolwork. The problem began when he entered his teens, and has become progressively worse. He is very bright, but totally uninterested in getting his work done. He should be getting A’s, but he barely scrapes through because he doesn’t hand in his assignments. We’ve tried making him sit down to do it, restricting his computer time and grounding him, but nothing works.
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