There’s nothing like an excuse. I was reminded of this while watching Rob Ford’s unfortunate appearance this week on Jimmy Kimmel’s talk show.
During an industrial-strength (but curiously friendly) lambasting, Kimmel mentioned Ford’s most notorious faux pas: smoking crack. He also reminded Ford of his excuse — the mayor had said he was boozing so enthusiastically, he simply didn’t recall the crack segment of the evening.
“If you’re drinking so much that you can try crack in your 40s and you don’t remember it, maybe that’s something you might want to think about,” said Kimmel, who sensibly urged Ford to give up alcohol.
Ford’s excuse was not only ill-advised, but disappointingly dumb. It’s on par with former Italian prime minister Silvo Berlusconi’s excuse upon being accused of cavorting with underage prostitutes: “It’s better to like beautiful girls than to be gay.”
For shame. To my mind, the excuse is a noble institution. There’s nothing more wonderful than rock-solid excuse, cleverly conceived and expertly delivered.
For two consecutive weekends, we were invited to meet my mother-in-law for a weekend lunch in Duncan. However, we couldn’t make it on either occasion, due to snowfall warnings for the Malahat.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy to have lunch in the great city of Duncan. But for me, it requires a tremendous effort to do anything on a weekend. Luncheons require getting dressed, driving and then making conversation. In my view, the real purpose of weekends is to lie around in one’s pyjamas, watching Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? on TCM while eating chocolate-covered pretzels.
But who can argue with: “There’s snow on the Malahat”? No one, that’s who. An excuse beautiful in its simplicity and elemental power.
Of course, most people rarely have the opportunity offer an excuse based on the truth. We mostly make stuff up. And if you’re like me (pyjamas, choco-pretzels, etc.) you’re pretty much compelled to invent excuses all day long.
Over the years you get quite expert at it. Here are some tips on concocting excuses guaranteed to extricate you from any situation.
• Never hesitate when proffering a fake excuse. Never mumble or shift one’s eyes from side to side. The more outrageous the excuse is, the more you must “own it” in terms of delivery.
You: “I cannot make your birthday party because on Sundays I help an elderly lady make harlequin costumes for her cats.”
Larry: “That’s the stupidest excuse I’ve ever heard.”
You: “So you may well say. But have you ever witnessed a weeping spinster as she contemplates an ill-clad kitten?”
• When making an excuse, make it appear more casual — and thus convincing — by performing another task at the same time. This also diverts the listener’s attention.
Speaker of the Legislature Linda Reid, peeling a banana: “I only bought my $48,412 touch-screen computer terminal because that’s what all the other Speakers of the Legislature were doing.”
Taxpayer: “That’s an outrageous misuse of taxpayers’ money. And besides, your excuse doesn’t make sense.”
Reid, making a giraffe balloon-animal: “Hey, peer pressure. What can you do?”
Adding elaborate details is another good way to make bogus excuses seem like the real thing. Seal the deal by tossing in a compliment.
You: “So the reason I couldn’t help you move last Friday is my nephew dropped by to visit unexpectedly.”
Larry: “I do not believe you.”
You: “Oh yeah. You know my nephew. He’s the one who dropped out of law school to work with the homeless in Scandinavia. Later, he invented those fake eyelash things people put on their headlights to make it look like their cars have eyes.”
Larry: “Yeah. Right.”
You: “Your teeth are unusually white, like a wintry moon on a star-kissed night.”
Other fail-safe excuses from my inventory: cracked windshield, sick grandma, housemaid’s knee and pyjama accident.
And, if all else fails, just yell, “Gotta go!” and run out of the room.
