When Daniel Scott's son was two, his affable nature seemed to suddenly evaporate, replaced by major-league acting-out sessions all over the place.
"We'd go shopping with him and he'd dive onto the floor and scream and scream and you had no idea what was upsetting him," says Scott, now director of Child and Youth Care at the University of Victoria.
Weeks later a colleague asked: Is the boy in grief? And he was -- living with the loss of the family au pair whom he loved. When he was overwhelmed with missing her, tantrums were the way he expressed it.
So Scott is the last guy who would judge another parent or tot in meltdown mode -- an issue that prompted unprecedented online commentary to the Times Colonist after a vocal 20-month-old and her mom were recently asked to leave a B.C. Transit bus by a driver who said he couldn't concentrate with the commotion.
"Emotional meltdowns can be pretty horrible for a child," Scott says. In his son's case, the problem was alleviated by getting the au pair to mail the child cassettes of her voice reading bedtime stories. But it's hard to say how to console another child in another situation, given the endless causes for distress, from a scary look by someone to hunger, fatigue, upset at being lugged around all day, a litany of No words in a day or a simple need for reassurance.
"Why are we still living with this idea that children, when they're in public, need to be virtually invisible?" Scott asks. "And always, in the worst sense, under control -- subdued.
"I'm not convinced our culture actually likes children."
Scott is one of several experts in child psychology contacted by the Times Colonist for the following 18 tips on how parents and bystanders can deal with a toddler meltdown.
1. A swat on the bum in a public space? "Why would you humiliate your child? Why would you humiliate yourself?" Scott asks.
2.Don't add to the parents' burden by shooting glares their way. "Be generous, be supportive," he says. "If the parent feels supported, it makes the job a lot easier because then they're not transmitting anxiety to their child," Scott says. "Often, even that act of engaging the parent can distract a child."
3.While the parent can try soothing the child with food -- the tantrum might be related to hunger or low energy -- it's not wise for a sympathetic bystander to do that without a cue from the parent. Too much sugar already might be part of the problem; the child could be diabetic or on the way to the doctor and not able to eat, notes registered clinical counsellor Doug Emid of Island Family Counselling.
4.Come right out and say: "Is there anything I can do?"
5. Emid suggests parents go straight to nurturing, by rocking, holding and cuddling the acting-out child. "Whatever the child is saying, find a way to agree with it. 'Oh, you feel really bad ... mom's here or dad's here.' "
6 Try saying: "You're upset, you're so upset you're crying. But you can stop crying and you might feel better."
7 Avoid orders to stop crying.
8 Don't ask children to be a big boy or girl when they're melting down. "They're feeling quite hurt and vulnerable," says Emid, who has had many adult clients who can recount the exact time in boyhood when they were told to stop crying and be
a man.
9They're visibly distraught so don't tell them not to feel bad -- we wouldn't treat adults that way, he says.
10"Give the child something they can hold onto -- some emotional vocabulary: 'You're cold, you're frustrated, you're crying, we'll be home soon.' Name the feelings as well as the behaviour."
11Rather than pretend the tantrum isn't happening, parents could address a store owner, for instance, by saying.
"It's not always like this." Or "Is it OK if we stay and try to work it out?"
12"The most effective thing to do is to try and catch the meltdown at the beginning stages. When you feel that a meltdown is coming, use distraction," says Victoria psychologist Magali M. Brulot, who has four kids under age eight, including four-year-old twins.
13Brulot carries a small travel Etch A Sketch in her purse or diaper bag that is rarely used but can provide a novelty distraction. As even little kids like to use grown-up things, let them doodle with your pen and a small coil notebook.
14Give the child the impression of choice to enhance their sense of some control over a situation. "For example, on the bus or at the doctor's office they get to choose where you sit; soothe them by asking what song they might want you to sing," Brulot says.
15"Make sure you have a healthy snack in case your errands take longer then expected," Brulot recommends.
16When a child's wishes can not be accommodated, calmly say: "This is not a choosing time," Brulot says.
17Ensure children understand your expectations about behaviour, by saying, "It is not OK to hit or scream."
18 "While a tantrum can be frustrating or embarrassing for an adult, it is central that we remain calm and consistent," Brulot says. "Take a deep breath, Speak calmly and positively to yourself about your ability to manage, and realize that tantrums can be a normal part of development."
