Aside from being the season of goodwill toward all, Christmas can be terribly expensive.
Not to worry. Help is here.
We all know most of the cost is connected with Christmas presents. Everyone expects one. If you don't fork out, you're known as a Mr. Cheap Guy, Scrooge or The Grinch Who Doesn't Buy Gifts.
It's a predicament. But there are ways around it. For example, have you ever considered buying presents that are something you'd buy for yourself anyway?
How about giving your wife some seasonal cheer in the form of scotch. Who can say no to a bottle of Talisker from the Isle of Skye? No one. But the best bit is: Scotch is the kind of gift that must be shared. Because it's Christmas and all. See how that works? Now the season is working in your favour.
Another gift idea: concert tickets. For example, do you and your wife both enjoy Metallica? Sure you do. Even if your wife has never heard Metallica (or has complained bitterly when you play it on the stereo), I guarantee she will enjoy it in concert.
Because classic heavy metal is a dish best served live.
Ditto for kids. I mean the gift of Metallica, not the scotch. Expose your children to the arts by taking them to Metallica. It sure beats The Nutcracker. Of course, being a responsible parent, you will buy them earplugs. Imagine their happy little faces when they open their gift box and see not an Xbox 360 but Metallica tickets and a pair of kiddie-sized earplugs. I'm aware some folks do not want to give their wife/children the Christmas gift of Metallica and/or single-malt scotch. Some say such gifts lead to things like your wife getting very quiet and spending Christmas Day in the bedroom with the door locked. Or your kids crying and accusing Santa of having made "a really, really bad mistake." Don't worry. Because there's yet another route to Yuletide savings. Recycling. Simply save the cards from the previous Christmas and use them again. Of course, you'll have to glue white paper over the writing inside the card. I mean, your wife won't like it if she gets a card that says: "I didn't know what to buy you this Christmas so I hope you like argyle socks. Love, Uncle Ned."
You can recycle all kinds of cards. Say you have a birthday card with a picture of a birthday cake on the front. Just draw a picture of Santa Claus beside that cake. Make Santa say something like, "Ho, ho, ho - the only thing I like better than birthdays is Christmas!" Then you're off the hook. Because now it's a very special homemade Christmas card, not a birthday card.
This may sound like a stretch, but it's not. I know someone who recycled a dog bereavement card. No kidding. He'd received it after his Boston terrier, Norman, died. The card's front showed a beagle with a halo, no doubt to indicate that Norman had gone to heaven (despite having shredded that expensive leather chair from Restoration Hardware). One assumes the card had a beagle on the front only because they were fresh out of Boston terrier cards.
Anyway, my friend, being a thrifty and creative type, drew reindeer antlers on the beagle's head and wrote "Rudolph!" right beside that. He left the halo in because Christmas is - and let us never forget it - a religious holiday. My friend took care to glue white paper over the part that said "Sorry about Norman's unfortunate incident with the chicken bone" and write a new inscription.
And then he posted it. It would have worked like a dream, only my friend made the fatal mistake of sending the card back to the original sender. The joyous hustle and bustle of the Yuletide season had badly confused him. Let's just say the original sender didn't attend Norman's wake. Which was super, super fun.
Did you notice how commercial Christmas has become? This year, shopping malls started playing carols three minutes after Halloween ended. My ideas, on the other hand, honour the good and simple things in life. Sharing, recycling. Scotch. You're welcome.
