‘Momma, what are you putting in that black thing?” Eddie asked last week, as I packed shoes and business clothes into a suitcase. “Can I put mine panda in too?”
“Remember how I told you I’m going to Vancouver for work?” I reminded him. “These are the things I need to bring.”
“Oh,” said Eddie, pouting. “I get in there too!”
When my older children were small, I travelled frequently for work. Since Eddie was born, though, I had never been on a business trip, and my three-year-old was acting like I was never coming back.
My husband, Clayton, is a member of the Canadian Navy and sails frequently. The kids are used to this, so I foolishly expected them to be chill about my short trip. Instead, most of them clung like baby monkeys in the days before I left. When I opened my suitcase in the hotel, I found a sheaf of drawings snuck inside, most featuring large hearts and sad-faced kids.
I was excited about the things I would learn and do on this trip and the business contacts I could make.
But a lot of people, when I told them about it, focused on it being “a break from the kids.” I was looking forward to that, but as an added benefit.
I started wondering: If I was a father, would anyone equate a business trip as mainly being a vacation from my family life? No one congratulates Clayton for “getting away from the kids” when he leaves for a work trip. Surely, I thought, that must be because he is away so frequently, rather than because he is a man.
Maybe not. Last April, the Wall Street Journal ran a story called “The Mommy Business Trip,” looking at the rise in popularity of conferences for bloggers and other social-media writers. It positioned conferences such as BlogHer as a guilt-free way for work-at-home and stay-at-home mothers to get away from the kids for a few days, sleep in and party with other mommies.
The uproar in the blogosphere was instant. Lisa Belkin, a senior columnist at the Huffington Post, scoffed at the sexist assumptions of the article.
“Haven’t men been going to sales meetings and conferences for generations? Staying at lovely hotels and dining in fine restaurants — and sometimes acting really silly?” she wrote. “Do you think there is a single article about men and work travel that oozes the same patronizing tone as this one? Find me one. I challenge you.”
When it comes to fathers, though, we as a society minimize the effect of business travel on them and their kids. As I was getting ready for my trip, people often asked how the kids would cope for me being away for three days. Clayton is rarely asked the same question when he goes away for three months or more. People assume everything is fine since I am home. After all, I’m the mom.
Living in a military community, I’ve heard mothers who are sailors and soldiers talk about the judgment they sometimes face about long work trips and deployments. It’s a problem few fathers on their ships and in their platoons encounter.
Being away from your family, especially if you do it frequently or for long periods, can be darn hard on the parents and the children. All parents who travel frequently deserve recognition of that, and support. These parents are often travelling to keep the rest of us safe, or informed, or entertained.
Ian Mendes, a Canadian TV sports reporter, recently wrote for Today’s Parent magazine about his decision to give up his dream job covering the NHL for a job closer to home.
“We only get one shot at this parenting thing. There are no do-overs; no chance to get back this moment in time. Your kids are young only once. You can justify chasing your career goals all you want, but your kids won’t stay young while you’re doing it,” he wrote.
When I arrived home, the kids smothered me with kisses. I had a successful and fun trip, but I was relieved to be with them again. As I unpacked, I was most grateful that this wasn’t routine, as it is for Clayton and Mendes and so many others. It was hard to sleep without kissing the kids goodnight.
