Dear Lisi: My wife has decided to quit her job and go back to school. I’m all for furthering her education, however she didn’t discuss it with me first; we can’t afford to maintain our lifestyle if she stops bringing in a second income; and we won’t be able to start a family, which I have been begging to do for several years now.
I feel as though this marriage isn’t a partnership. My wife is just going ahead with her life and filling me in when she chooses. Quitting her well-paying job was never part of any discussion, ever. Neither was going back to school.
She brushes me off when I try to speak with her, and acts as though I’m making a big thing out of something not that important. I’m going crazy trying to understand what’s going on here.
What am I missing?
All alone
What you’re missing is what your wife is telling you with her actions and not her words. She doesn’t want the lifestyle enough, she doesn’t want kids now, and she doesn’t want your marriage since it includes the previous two points.
You must talk to her and tell her the messaging she is sending you. If what I said is correct, then she’ll be relieved that you’ve figured it out and you two can go your separate ways. If I’m wrong, then she will be forced to explain herself.
Either way, a major change in your relationship is about to unfold and you need to be prepared. Take some time to figure out what you want. Then work it out with your wife together.
Dear Lisi: I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am quite friendly with one of my neighbours. She’s a young widow, who retired shortly after her husband’s untimely death, as he left her a large sum of money. She travels extensively, but when she’s around, she’s always very friendly.
We help each other out on garbage day, with our cars, and dog-sitting. And we share a love of books and movies. She’s kind, soft-spoken, and lovely. To me.
Apparently, she’s a terrible human being to other neighbours on our street. She has called the police several times complaining of noise, once when one neighbour had a birthday party for her four-year-old daughter. Another time she called the fire department when a neighbour was having a BBQ. In fact, she has called the police so many times that they have told her that next time she will be fined.
She hasn’t mentioned any of these incidents to me. It only came up in conversation when I was sharing with her how upset another neighbour was over an incident involving them. Little did I know that she was the person they were complaining about!
Now I feel caught in the middle.
Neighbour Nuisance
My advice is to continue your relationship with this neighbour and keep it on the level you were at. Now that she knows you know, she may try to talk about these incidents with you and get you on her side. Do not engage. Tell her that it is none of your business and you’d like to keep it that way.
When talking to your other neighbours, be honest and explain that you have a very decent relationship with this woman, was surprised to see this other side of her personality, and feel badly for the situation they are in. But you’d rather not talk about it or get involved.
Hopefully all your neighbours will respect your position and maintain your existing relationships.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman with the hand that just doesn’t work properly (May 30):
“A quick note from someone who has significant medical issues, none of which are readily visible.
“I joke about them when conveying them for the first time to people to (a) explain in a relaxed manner what they may/will notice about me, and (b) to explain that I am comfortable with how I am.”
FEEDBACK Regarding Ghosted in Greece (July 17):
Reader – “I was surprised you didn’t suggest this young lady contact her boyfriend’s parents, to show her concerns and see if they have been in contact. If he has contacted them, they may be able to shed some light on her situation/concerns.”
Lisi – My understanding is that this boy is away on vacation with his parents. I also got the impression that this is a very young couple; doubtful she would reach out to them.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
