Dear Lisi: During the Covid-19 pandemic, some of our family members chose not to vaccinate themselves or their children. A poor choice, in my opinion, but one we stepped back from. My husband and I are seniors and wanted to protect ourselves.
One adult child wanted to have a family celebration during this very challenging time, but their family has two members with serious health issues. They thought that by creating some rules, which were such that attendees had to be vaccinated and tested before the event, that at least some family members could attend. Some people felt they were being discriminated against. The family event was ultimately cancelled.
The resulting pushback ended in nasty comments and blocking of social media accounts. Close family ties have since been broken, grandkids not allowed to see grandparents, cousins blocked from cousins. A lifetime of love has just evaporated.
Sadly this rift has not been mended. No overtures of affection by cards and letters have been responded to or acknowledged. Emails are blocked. It is heartbreaking and yet I feel that it is a vast “overkill” reaction.
What if anything can be done? I have heard we are not alone in this situation.
Cast-aside grandparents
What a sad story! Especially because it’s years in the making. In Toronto, the world shut down on March 13, 2020 — and here you are FOUR years later and there is still division and hurt in your family. As the heads of this family, or at least as the elders, and since you’re the ones who wrote me, I think it’s up to you to help narrow the divide.
Are there other family members of your generation with whom you can confer? Hopefully all the grandparents can come together — no matter which side of the vaccination fence you were on — and help build back the bridge amongst this divided family.
I am not dismissing anyone’s stand on the vaccine; I’m just saying that, with the pandemic behind us (yes, I know Covid-19 still exists, but it is now a known virus, like the flu), families and friends should be able to get back to the loving place where they left off before they found themselves disagreeing on one (important) issue.
I have a friend who doesn’t believe in vaccines, whereas I do. We took a hiatus during the pandemic because we didn’t agree on anything. But we’re friends again because that’s no longer an issue to discuss or argue over.
Help your family move forward.
FEEDBACK Regarding the married couple having extra-marital sex (Feb. 27):
Reader #1 – “I was shocked at your response to the gentleman who spoke about his arrangement with his wife, which allowed her to explore sexual experiences with other men, which enhanced their marriage. All done with his encouragement.
“Relationships take work to succeed, and sometimes difficult conversations. If this couple found a way to stay in a loving marriage by her occasionally having a physical relationship with another man, then how dare you belittle that.
“A cheater, by definition is someone who acts dishonestly or deceives. This couple has done neither of those things. They had an open discussion about what would work for them, and it’s resulted in a long and happy marriage.
“It may not be for everyone, but shame on you for being so overtly judgmental about how one couple, and many others, decide to make their relationship work.”
Lisi –I wasn’t judging the man who wrote me on Feb. 27, nor the original letter writer. What people do is their business as long as other people aren’t getting hurt. The original letter writer was concerned that she was going to hurt her children, and that something was wrong with her.
Reader #2 – “Please research both polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy. In both instances, sex with others is not viewed as cheating if it’s within the boundaries of the relationship. (It is, of course, still possible to cheat in these relationships by lying and going outside agreed boundaries).”
Lisi – Looking back at the original question (Nov. 15), the wife wrote me for advice. She wondered if there was something “wrong” with her because she enjoyed having a LOT of sex, with her husband, and more often, strangers. There was no mention of cheating.
On Jan. 3, a reader who had been cheated on wrote in denouncing this woman as a sex addict and a cheater.
The original letter writer never mentioned that she and her husband were in a polyamorous or ethically nonmonogamous relationship, so I defaulted to a traditional monogamous marriage. In which case, having sex outside of the marriage is considered cheating.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
