Dear Lisi: My nine-year-old daughter has a good friend who is always over at our house. She’s a sweet little girl, friendly, well-mannered and easy to have around. She comes over after school three to four times a week, eats dinner with us at least twice a week and sleeps over one or both nights of the weekend. The only night we never see her is Sundays, when she has dinner with her whole extended family at her grandmother’s house.
I love this little girl, so I don’t mind. But — isn’t it odd that at such a young age, she’s never home? Also, I find it odd that her parents never reciprocate, say thank you or send her with anything as a gift. I don’t have expectations, but I sometimes feel like an underpaid daycare.
I don’t know anything about her parents, or her home life, so I don’t want to say anything in case it jeopardizes her visits, especially if my home is her safe space.
Should I just sit back and observe? Or should I speak up?
Bonus Child
From your description, the child is friendly and well-mannered. And you say she has a meal with family once a week. You didn’t mention anything untoward, frightening, or even worrisome
If you don’t mind having her around, you are clearly doing both her and her parents a favour by hosting her all the time. You may one day get a better picture…. or not. And though odd, continue to expect nothing in the form of gratitude from the parents.
I can all but guarantee that your kindness and generosity are not going unnoticed by anyone. The child’s health and happiness are your reward.
Dear Lisi: My sister has a friend who is always, and I mean, ALWAYS, dressed to the nines. The first few times I met her, we were at events, and she looked fabulous. But we had all done our hair and makeup and were dressed in fancy clothing. The first time we met up nto at an event, we had plans for dinner. Still, she came with full makeup, hair done and lovely clothing.
Again, noted, but I didn’t comment. About a month later, my sister invited me to a special fundraising Spin class. We both spin often, so we take the advanced classes and sweat a lot. We wear “normal” spin gear, i.e., athletic leggings, a sports bra and light tank top over. No makeup and hair in a ponytail or up in a messy bun.
Her friend walked in with full makeup, hair freshly coiffed, sport leggings, but a bejeweled bra top that was heavy and inappropriate.
I know it’s not my business, but what’s with the getups?
Not so Down-to-Earth
Your sister’s friend sounds, from your description, as though she is more concerned with how she looks than you are. From my perspective, I think she’s probably more insecure than you are. Who knows why? But the real question is – why do you care?
Let her do her own thing and be whoever she wants to be. Your sister likes her, so she must have some good qualities. Get to know her personality and stop judging her outer appearance. Let her be her, and you do you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the binge-eating husband (Nov. 8):
Reader – “You are right to suggest that her husband see his doctor, but not just for a referral to a nutritionist, etc. but more for an in-depth physical and blood work. Food cravings can be linked to some autoimmune diseases or deficiencies.
“He may also be under some form of stress. Binge eating is sometimes a result of stress or emotional issues.”
Reader 2 – “This husband doesn’t need a nutritionist or personal trainer; he needs a life coach or counsellor to get to the bottom of why he binges. What purpose is the food serving? There are many techniques that can help him, including journaling.
“Binge eating often comes with a great amount of shame — that’s why he does it at night. A life coach can get to the core of the emotional component. One technique is the acronym RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture with self-compassion. Food is often used as a distraction. Sometimes people binge because they have no bandwidth at the end of the day, after focusing their energy on thoughts about themselves, their finances, a loss, etc.)
“That’s what needs to be explored, not another food plan or exercise plan. You cannot outrun a binge. It isn’t about the food.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
