Dear Lisi: Yesterday, while leaving a small parking lot that I often frequent, a man in a white van was pulling in, in the most frantic way. I had to jam on my horn just to get him to stop an inch from hitting my car. He started screaming obscenities at me but allowed me the chance to pass him by safely.
There was a woman in a car watching the whole thing, and she stopped me with wide eyes, and said if he hadn’t stopped when he did, he surely would have hit my car. As I continued around, another car which had just pulled in, rolled down her window, and exclaimed, “Whoa! That was close!”
I was shaken. Why would someone consciously choose to try to hit someone else’s car? It’s an expensive, time-consuming and annoying disturbance to both parties. Do you have any insight?
Shaken, not scratched
Though the holiday season is filled with good cheer, spirit, kindness, etc., it can also be a very stressful time. Even for the most organized, calm person.
I can’t tell you exactly what that man was thinking. However, he could have been distracted, thinking about all the things he needed to get done (this letter came in a few days before Christmas); or perhaps his partner had just left him; or maybe someone close to him is ill. We’ll never know.
It’s unfortunate that he responded so angrily. Give him your generosity of spirit and move on.
FEEDBACK regarding the woman who admits to being extremely sexually active (Nov. 15):
Reader — “You told her there’s nothing wrong with her. You got it wrong! The woman is a sex addict and, like with any addiction, she needs serious mental help (not just a sex therapist).
“She says her husband knows and is not bothered by it. She’s an adulterer and a cheater; and cheaters lie, they minimize, they rationalize, they justify. I suspect the husband is not OK with it but only tolerates it because he’s desperate to keep his marriage intact and his family together. He also needs mental help.
“Today’s Hollywood culture normalizes infidelity, but adultery is NOT a victimless pursuit!
“She says that she’s concerned about her kids finding out. If she’s that promiscuous they will find out — most likely at school. There will be rumours that other kids will hear, and her kids will be taunted and bullied until they either graduate or move to a new school.
“Also, statistics show that the children of cheaters are much more likely to either cheat on a partner themselves or be betrayed in a relationship. The fallout from adultery can last for generations.
“On top of all that, I seriously doubt that all the many adultery partners she’s had are all single. She is helping break up other marriages and tear apart other families — many of them. People who have never been cheated on have no idea about the extreme trauma that adultery causes to the betrayed spouse and the children.”
Lived the trauma; got the emotional scars
I don’t agree that there is something “wrong” with this woman, though you may well be correct that she is an addict. And you are definitely correct in pointing out that her behaviour is “wrong” in that she is openly cheating on her husband, which is considered adultery, and could easily have negative fallout.
Sometimes I hone in on what I understand to be the letter-writer’s question, and due to space constraints, don’t flesh out the bigger picture. Thank you for expanding and allowing me to revisit.
Reader’s Commentary regarding the neighbour contemplating what to do with the barking dog, and the responses you received to your helpful advice (Oct. 16 and Nov. 15):
“Since becoming hard of hearing, I’ve not been able to use the phone. As a result, I do everything by email or text. I have come to realize that a lot of people have really poor reading comprehension.
“They either completely misconstrue what I’ve written, read what they want to hear, or don’t read what I’ve written and just jump to a conclusion.
“I find myself often having to explain what I’ve written. On the flip side, I’m always saying to myself, “No, they didn’t say that.”
Lisi – I agree that the written word, especially email and text, lacks emotion and nuance. That’s why punctuation is so important, and emojis can be so helpful. For example, a simple sentence can be read with sarcasm, changing its tone. Add a smiley face and the simplicity is obvious.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
