Dear Lisi: My friend’s sister died in a car accident the day before Christmas. I was out of town and offline, at a yoga retreat with my mom in Mexico, from the day it happened until right after New Year’s. I texted some friends, including her, on New Year’s Day, happy and excited, clueless as to what had transpired.
To my surprise, my friend and two mutual friends, texted me back blasting me for being a horrible person: thoughtless, uncaring, disrespectful, and several other unkind names. I had NO IDEA why they attacked me! I was shocked and crying to my mom.
She suggested I text another mutual friend to see if they knew anything because I couldn’t call from my location. I did and she told me about the accident. I was so upset! I knew her sister well and am devastated by her loss. My mom was also so upset.
We flew home the next day and as soon as we landed, my mom called her mom. They had a very nice conversation, and she was very grateful for my mom’s outreach. But when I called my friend, she didn’t pick up. I left a message, texted her again, and tried again later in the day.
She’s not talking to me. What do I do?
At a loss
This is so sad on so many levels. My heart goes out to your friend and her family on the loss of their daughter/sister. And I feel for you, too. Unfortunately, you weren’t where your friend needed you to be, and even though it’s an untimely coincidence, your friend is hurt.
So now the work falls on you. Your friend is grieving, is probably in shock, and has found people to lean on. Out of hurt and frustration, she is taking it out on you because she has found a legit outlet. Don’t let it get to you. It’s not about you.
I suggest you go over, with your mom, to bring flowers (if that’s your cultural norm), or food, or whatever your mom suggests. Pay your respects to your friend’s parents, and other siblings (if there are any), and then try to talk to your friend. She may not engage. That’s OK; give her space. But call her the next day; and pop over the day after; and just keep trying. If you two were good friends, she’ll see that you’re sorry you weren’t around then, but that you’re here now.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman surprised at the seeming lack of gratitude after tipping her cleaners (Nov. 25):
Reader – “One thing I learned early is that you tip for the service you WANT, not necessarily the service you got - especially for services such as cleaning, that will repeat, and when going to a new restaurant that you think you may want to frequent.
“I tested this early in my career. I needed to travel quite a bit for my job and often ate in hotel restaurants. The first meal I had, I always tipped high, regardless of the actual service received at that time. I considered it an investment. For all future visits, I was remembered and treated like royalty, even though I started slowly lowering my tip percentage (but still tipped generously for exceptional service).
“As suggested, give more and then watch their enthusiasm as they do their jobs cleaning. If you do not give, I guarantee you will see the opposite response. The jobs will still be done as per the ‘contract,’ but maybe not to the same level of care.
“Also, this person needs to get real. $50 in 2023 (now 2024) is NOT that much, especially for someone who really NEEDS the money.”
Dear Readers – A few weeks ago, a question came in about a puppy not being well cared for by a woman’s husband while she was at work. Due to space constraints, I focused on how this couple may have difficulty when they start a family based on his lack of sharing in the care of the puppy.
I didn’t focus enough on the well-being of the puppy, and how to help this woman. Earlier this week, I responded to the woman’s question for a second time and posted several ideas from readers.
As a dog owner, and recent puppy mom, I know too well how much love, care, and attention a puppy needs. There are multiple methods of training, a huge variety of family dynamics, and innumerable breeds of dogs to discuss all the variables.
Suffice to say that if you want a dog, you and your partner must agree on its care.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
