Dear Lisi: My sister and I don’t talk. We had a huge fight years ago, she moved away for other reasons, and neither of us have felt the need to reach out. It’s been a loss for my kids as they really liked their aunt and uncle and were friends with their cousins. The kids keep in touch through social media, and I always reach out to them on occasions, like birthdays.
Unfortunately, our dad is unwell. He blacked out and fell, and while in the hospital they discovered a life-threatening issue. He probably has a decent three months of life, and then a three-month demise.
The summer is looming, and I really want my sister and her family to come here for as long as possible to spend time with him. My house isn’t huge, but I’ve offered them to move in. And we’ve rented a cottage for a month that’s big enough for everyone because my dad always loved the country and lake life.
My husband spoke to her husband and he’s on board. The kids are all willing because they want to spend this time with their grandfather. But my sister is digging her heels in, still holding a grudge. I’m completely over it and focused on our dad.
How can I get her to see that whatever happened between us has run its course and now we need to come together as a family?
Forgotten feud
I’m sorry about your dad. I think spending these last few months with him, at the cottage and together as a family, is a great idea.
Your sister is obviously very hurt and still angry about whatever you fought about. Telling her you’re over it will probably make her angrier because she’ll feel dismissed. You want to move forward so apologize to her.
Sometimes we just have to weigh the options. In this case, being together as a family with your dad in his last living months outweighs whatever happened between you two.
Dear Lisi: When I was younger, I had a friend who would make plans with me, but then break them when something “better” would come along. I was always getting hurt by this kid.
Now I see the same thing happening with my son and his friend. This other kid plays high-level soccer and has a large group of friends from his soccer life. But the two of them have been friends since JK, and they’re now in Grade 7.
During school hours, they’re inseparable. But on the weekends, especially in the spring, if they make plans, the other boy will often cancel and tell my son he has soccer. My wife will speak to his mom and find out that he didn’t have soccer – he was at a party with one of those friends, or at a sleepover.
I understand that this boy doesn’t want to mix his friends, and that’s OK. I just wish his parents would teach him about commitment, priorities and the value of friendship.
Sad dad
I think we all know the feeling of rejection in some form or another. I can also understand the other boy not wanting to mix friends. It doesn’t always work.
But I also understand that if a party pops up, it’s a “special event,” and going for a walk to get an ice cream doesn’t quite equate. That’s OK occasionally, and with honest explanation. But to dump his school friend whenever something better comes along is not nice.
Help your son make plans with other kids on the weekends so there’s less chance of this happening. You can’t control the other parents; you can only protect your son by teaching him ways to protect himself.
FEEDBACK Regarding the coach who crossed the line (March 25):
Reader – I don’t agree with your reply. The coach is teaching the kid a valuable life lesson about not snitching, respecting those in charge, being patient for what’s coming to you, and not to expect to always get what you want.
He’s the coach. It’s up to him to make play decisions. It’s poor parenting to teach the kid to run to daddy every time he doesn’t get what he wants.
Life isn’t fair. We don’t always get what we want, when we want, or at all. It’s best the kid learns this early as it’ll help him become a well-adjusted man.
Lisi – Please refer to yesterday’s column. I agree with those readers. This coach is borderline creepy. As another reader said: “No adult should tell any child to keep secrets from parents. This coach should be reported to whatever authorities supervise this program.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
