Dear Lisi: My niece phoned me late one evening to tell me something horrible that happened to my great-niece, the granddaughter of my sister, while she was away at school.
Having survived abuse myself, I thought I should tell my sister, so she could understand her granddaughter with compassion, and maybe help her heal.
Shortly thereafter, I was visiting my sister. Suddenly, her daughter approached me, and the two started yelling at me, asking why I made up such a story. I said, “you phoned and told me this story. I would never make up such a story, which is why I told my sister.”
I left my sister’s home in great distress. We are a very close family, and I am especially close with this sibling and her children. I contacted my own daughter, who told me that her cousin had also called her with the information and more.
I emailed my sister, to explain that her daughter had told both me and my daughter, and that my only hope was to help her (my sister) to help her granddaughter. Apparently, her daughter, who drinks and likes to be the centre of it all, discussed the incident with her siblings, and they all agreed not to tell their mother (my sister).
My sister would rather believe that this never happened, and that I lied, rather than accuse her daughter of being very deceitful. My sister also does not apologize; she just doesn’t say she’s sorry. I have said I’m sorry to her for things when I shouldn’t have just to end a dispute.
I do not miss or want anything to do with my niece, for the way she was so disrespectful to me to save her own butt. But I miss my sister every day, and I feel a great loss.
Family Squabble
The details are too vague, for privacy reasons, and obviously I’m only hearing your side of this multi-sided story. The most important issue here is your great-niece’s well-being. Is she getting the help she needs to deal with the abuse/trauma she has suffered? If you can help facilitate that, from behind the scenes, then you are focusing on what matters.
Your niece and her siblings decided to protect their mother from this news. But your niece knows your relationship with her mother, so by telling you, I believe she would have known you would tell her mother. And since she didn’t tell you not to, I believe she wanted you to because I would imagine she wanted her mom’s support and love but couldn’t bear telling her herself.
I can also only imagine that your sister didn’t take the news well, and instead of supporting her daughter, perhaps she spoke to her harshly. Your niece couldn’t handle it and turned it around. That’s so sad, for them, that instead of focusing on this child’s health and wellness, they’re focused on facts.
Continue to reach out to your sister. If any part of her believes this story, she’ll need your support. You know not to expect an apology, so move on without one. Tell her how you felt when you were abused, how you wish your family had dealt with the situation, how they helped you and supported you. Hopefully, she’ll focus on what’s important and be grateful for your honesty.
FEEDBACK Regarding the commentary about therapy (March 12):
Reader 1 - “There are many forms of therapy, including brief therapy. When someone reaches out to Lisi for advice, they want to know what someone else thinks when they hear about and reflect on their question. That’s what a therapist provides, but in more depth than one brief response that Lisi can offer (in a limited space). They can help you see more aspects, other possibilities, and options for addressing your concerns.
“As to cost, at least in Toronto, there are agencies that charge according to income, and agencies that provide help in many different languages.”
Reader 2 – “Currently there are 12-step programs for almost every situation. They are very effective self-help groups for anyone willing to give them a chance. I too, have spent lots of money on therapy that didn’t help, and thankfully have benefitted greatly from a suitable 12-step program. I strongly suggest your readers find one suitable to their situation.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
