Dear Lisi: My sister and my dad are in a huge fight. It’s lasted for two years already, and I don’t know if they can ever get over it. My mom is the neutral Switzerland, keeping the peace whenever we are all together.
To be honest, I don’t even know what started the argument, but I just know my dad said some really hurtful things to my sister, and my sister lashed out. Neither of us live at home so it’s not a daily argument, but we were a very close family before this fight, and we are still VERY close with our mom.
But I think this is having a serious negative affect on Mom. She looks so tired lately, and pale, and I fear she’s losing sleep over this whole thing. How can I help her, and get through to my dad and sister that whatever they’re fighting about isn’t worth mom’s health?
Family Feud
It seems so simple and straightforward, but we humans are complex. We have feelings, egos and pride that all get in the way. Talk to your sister. Tell her that you’re worried about your mom. Tell her that whatever she’s feeling is legit; and it cuts deep when someone you love says hurtful things. But whatever the narrative, she and your dad need to deal with it — or bury it — before it sends your mom off the deep end.
Dear Lisi: My little sister’s girlfriend is an absolute control freak. I can’t stand her! My mom tries to bend over backwards to make her feel comfortable, but it’s awkward because my mom isn’t that open-minded and doesn’t “get” that two women can be in a relationship.
They’re also only in high school and I think my sister is just experimenting. Either way, this girlfriend of hers is aggressive, controlling and just not nice. She walks around with her arm around my sister’s neck all the time. It’s so cringy! She shakes my mom’s hand when she walks in, then sits down on the couch. It’s like she’s watched some show on how to be a 50-year-old man.
I don’t think my sister even likes her that much, but she doesn’t know how to tell her and I think she’s scared. What can I do?
Gross Girlfriend
Take a step back. I get that you don’t like this girl — that comes across loud and clear — but it’s not about you. What is important is that you don’t think your sister can get away from her out of fear. That’s what needs to be addressed.
Talk to your sister alone and find out how she really feels. Ask her what it is about this girl that she likes. Help her navigate the crazy teenage years of confusion and experimentation as best you can with your few years of maturity on her.
If she needs help ending the relationship, be there for her.
Reader’s Commentary: “I am the mother of a biological son and an adopted daughter who was five weeks old when she came into our family. Right from the start, I told my daughter that she was adopted. It was done as a story that we wanted a little girl, and she was loved very much. She was ours in every sense of the word. When I repeated the story as she grew older, she said, “Mom, I know. You don’t have to keep telling me.”
“She grew up and reunited with her birth parents. She adopted her first son which makes me think the adoptive experience was positive for her.
“I think a child should know from the start; that way there are no hard feelings or resentment on the child’s part. A child needs to feel loved and cared for.”
FEEDBACK Regarding both questions (Jan. 10):
Reader – “‘Embarrassed wife’ should tape her husband when he is drunk — to be played only for him, not for anyone else, and to be then erased in his presence. When he hears what he sounds like to other people, including perhaps, workmates and his boss, he may be motivated to change.
“And if ‘Language Prude’ is forced to go to HR, she should point out how such behaviour reflects on the company. I have sat in restaurants near business executives tossing out profanities even when it’s clear from the rest of their conversation where they work, and it always leaves me with negative feelings toward that business.
“Last week I tore a strip off a grocery store manager who displayed the now-tiresome sign about treating employees with respect, while I was expected to listen to their loud and foul language as they stocked shelves.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
