Dear Lisi: Six years ago, circumstances and finances forced me to return to my parents’ home. I cried and hugged my sister so hard in her kitchen, just blocks from my apartment. I didn’t want to go, but she said everything would work out, that it was for the best, only temporary, just to get on my feet, a fresh start, etc.
Growing up we hated each other; our mom said we fought all the time. I’m five years younger and can’t imagine a life without my older sister. I always wanted to be like her.
This Christmas she begged me to come to her place, with our parents. My sister, her husband and two boys have a three-bedroom house, so I rented a room in a nearby hotel.
On Christmas morning, I drove over, parked down the street, and awaited the call that the boys were up. Strangely, I saw lights and action from the house, and could hear the kids shrieking for over half an hour before getting the call to come over. As soon as I entered, my sister apologized for not making the kids wait to open their presents. I missed it all. I even missed the adults’ present exchange.
It made me wonder why I was even invited. The rest of the time, my sister was cruel and nasty to me. By the end of Boxing Day, I had enough, so I confronted her. It got ugly and she tried to justify herself through lies.
Now she hates me. I’m realizing that when I left, she disconnected from me. I’ve recently moved, and unpacking is heartbreaking because all my framed pictures are of her boys. My only nephews.
My sister hurt me this Christmas and I don’t understand why. I thought she was my very best friend, the only one I could trust. If she doesn’t like me anymore, I can respect that, but I need more information to understand why.
Things are not the way I thought they were. She clearly cut me off long ago and I was just too stupid to notice.
Younger sister
You and your sister need to sit down, perhaps with a third party, and talk things out. She must have her reasons for being upset with you. Perhaps she feels you stayed away too long. Perhaps she feels you abandoned her. You won’t know — or be able to explain yourself — without asking. But hear her out. She’s obviously hurt.
Dear Lisi: I have two girlfriends from different circles, and with both I feel our friendship has come to an end, for different reasons. I don’t know how to “break up” with them.
I’ve had issues with the first one for years. She cancels plans last minute, and recently at a group get-together, threw me under the bus. I haven’t seen her since. She’s apologized but I no longer trust her.
The second friend and I used to be close, but recently it feels like she’s just gathering information so she can gossip about me. She asks very specific questions and I don’t want to share anything with her.
I have purposely put zero effort into either of these friendships for the past six months, but neither of these women have gotten the point. What do I do?
Breaking Up
You take a breath and do what you’ve been doing, which is nothing. There’s no reason to completely cut ties with these two women. As you said, you were once close. But there’s nothing wrong with taking a healthy break. If they finally clue in, and ask what’s wrong, be honest. When you’re ready, talk it through. Good friends are hard to come by, so don’t throw them away unless you’re certain.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandparent concerned about their 21-year-old grandson (Jan. 19):
Reader — “You say he does nothing but spend time at home on a computer. One solution would be for the parents to cancel their internet connection. This wouldn’t stop him from being on a computer, but it would force him to leave the house.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the stranger stress (Jan. 22):
Reader 1 – “In Toronto, ‘Stranger stress’, or anyone concerned about a vulnerable senior, could call 211, the Toronto Seniors’ Helpline, Public Health or even the police. Presumably, other communities will have similar resources.”
Reader 2 – “I had a different vibe from Stranger Stress. Just as her sign-off suggests, she was more concerned about a woman with early dementia intruding in her space. The woman is doing no harm. My suggestion would be to talk to her, get to know her, welcome her warmly with friendship.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
