Dear Lisi: Years ago, my daughter was in grade school with friends she had since kindergarten. It was a small, local school with a lovely group of kids and parents. They were a small class, evenly split, and they mixed nicely. No issues whatsoever.
In Grade Four, a new girl arrived. As a tight-knit community, we embraced the child and her parents from the get-go. The parents weren’t interested. They had come to our neighbourhood for work but wanted nothing to do with the locals.
The little girl seemed shy at first, but that lasted a week. She then started bullying the girls she thought were weak, tried to come between friends and accused some of the boys of bullying her.
This family rocked our quiet community school. Several children left in the middle of the year to get away from this child’s antics. The parents started calling other parents accusing their children of all sorts of misdemeanours. Finally, the year ended, and the family left the community, never to be heard from again.
My daughter has just started high school in a much bigger school where she knows her few friends. Her first semester was great, she made new friends, is enjoying her classes, growing and maturing.
However, a new girl has started since the holidays, and it’s none other than the girl from years ago. My daughter is now nervous and anxious to go to school and is retreating into herself.
What can I do to help her?
Concerned Mom
Your daughter sounds like she is having PTSD symptoms, which can occur after something traumatic happens. And though your daughter has had several healthy, anxiety-free years, this girl’s presence is triggering the memories of the havoc she wreaked when they were young, all of which was upsetting to your daughter.
With your history, you have every right to speak with the principal and guidance counsellor at the high school. It would behoove your daughter to explain the situation and, if possible, have the school help by not placing the girls in any of the same classes.
Your daughter also would benefit from speaking with a child psychologist, to speak her feelings out loud, have them validated, and learn coping mechanisms. We cannot avoid all the ogres that life will throw our way, but we need to learn (and teach our children) how to build protective walls around ourselves, while still allowing ourselves the freedom to live our lives on our terms.
Dear Lisi: After graduating from university, I travelled around not knowing where I wanted to land. The subjects I had studied interested me, but I couldn’t see how to turn them into a career. And all the jobs I found sounded boring.
While travelling, I met a girl around my age in a similar situation. We became fast friends, travelled together for a while, and promised to keep each other posted on what we were doing.
About a month after I returned, I learned about a great job opportunity in another city. I called my friend to discuss it with her and get her advice. She thought it sounded great and told me to go for it. I had a Zoom interview, discussed pay, hours, and what moving would look like. We went back and forth several times, each session getting me more excited for the opportunity.
Finally, they told me they had chosen another candidate. I was so upset and called my friend. She didn’t answer and never called me back. The next day, I checked the website to see who they had hired for the job. Imagine my shock when I saw my friend’s face as the new hire.
Who does that?!?
Fake friend
No one you ever want to be friends with.
FEEDBACK Regarding the family rift (Dec. 14):
Reader – “The writer stated that his wife’s cousin stopped talking to her and neither he nor his wife understands why. A person generally knows when they’ve done something intentionally, or unintentionally, to offend someone. It sounds like the cousin is creating a storm of drama and wants attention.
“I have a sibling who does this to me and others frequently; she just disappears and goes no-contact, leaving others to wonder what they did. In each instance, they did nothing wrong. But a person who disappears and treats others like they’ve destroyed something valuable is not worth having in your life. They’re toxic and it’ll keep on happening once they know they have your attention.
“It hurts and leaves the other person in the dark for months, even years. When you ask them what’s wrong, they say, ‘Nothing, I’ve just been busy.’
“So frustrating.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
