Dear Lisi: My father-in-law isn’t talking to me anymore. He’s a grumpy old man, set in his ways, who doesn’t take kindly to any form of disagreement or argumentative conversation. He has some health issues and, after discussing with my wife, who is his daughter, I suggested he go talk to a doctor. He became furious with me, turned beet red, and told me to leave the house and never come back.
Ironically, we were at my house when this occurred, which made him even angrier, and he stormed out. I’m fine with him venting his anger out at me. It’s not the first time. But I’m not fine with him taking it out on my wife. She adores him and they have a warm, loving relationship.
Not anymore. He won’t speak to her, take her calls, or even answer the door when she tried to go over and talk to him. He won’t even talk to our children: our son, 14, and our daughter, 10, whom he dotes on. They’re so upset and don’t understand why he won’t speak to them.
What do I do?
Family Feud
You and your wife need to speak with your father-in-law, softly and calmly even if he lashes out. You didn’t mention a wife, or your mother-in-law so I’m assuming he’s alone. Getting old isn’t fun or easy for many people, especially without a partner.
Your father-in-law should definitely go see a doctor and find out about his health. But he’s probably scared, so he’s lashing out hoping he’ll make you – and whatever it is – go away. But it won’t, and he also knows that.
Show him your love and support by getting through his wall of fear. And don’t give in to him, for the sake of his health, and your children’s emotional well-being.
FEEDBACK Regarding Ghosted in Greece (July 17):
Reader – “It’s only been one week!
“Have you considered that he may not have access to internet, or data, or whatever he needs to stay in touch? There are places where it’s difficult.
“Why the automatic assumption that she’s being dumped?
Why not wait until he comes back? The trip is only two weeks.
She should stop talking to friends so much about this. I don’t know how old they are, or how long they’ve been dating before making elaborate plans to be together, but surely it deserves more consideration.”
Reader’s Commentary: “I just wanted to provide feedback to the fantastic response a reader of yours wrote regarding the May 30 column on the mom who was upset that her daughter failed to acknowledge Mother’s Day.
“This advice was not only heartwarming but the absolute truth that all mothers should listen to and appreciate. I try to follow her advice with my own three young adult daughters. She is so accurate with her insight of the university days and the angst that accompanies these years and the importance of providing wings and roots. I loved her examples of those roots and wings.
“Please publish this and her response one more time to spread her advice to more moms.”
Lisi – I agree. Here again is what that other reader wrote: “My husband and I discovered very quickly that old routines, like family vacations and holidays, cannot be counted on with adult children. This is not a sign of disrespect or lack of love, but more of growing independence. There is an adage that we must, as parents, provide both ‘roots and wings.’ With roots, there is a knowledge of belonging (look at and speak to your daughter); the wings are recognition of the need for autonomy. Children need both from their families to become productive, well-functioning, and happy adults.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the elderly man who didn’t want to go to indoor venues (May 30):
Reader – “If an elderly man with aging senses is confused and uncomfortable in crowds of people at indoor venues, respect his wishes. Even with hearing aids, the cacophony will be disturbing. If there is difficulty in hearing in one-to-one conversation, hearing aids may help. However, in crowds the background noise may echo in their hearing devices and not help at all.
“We accept that old joints and loss of muscle, flexibility and dexterity prevent elders from some activities they previously enjoyed, because they just don’t enjoy them anymore. Respect that.
“Same with noisy/background noise in indoor venues. It’s just unpleasant for them. Respect that.”
Lisi – Something else to consider is that, in large groups of people, there is a lot to focus on. As we age, it gets harder to multi-task. It just might be too much for him.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
