Dear Lisi: I’m not sure what to do. My son is absolutely miserable at school…. but he loves his school friends. We can see that there’s something different about him, and that he has trouble learning. There are occupational therapists at school who have helped him along the way, but we think he needs a more in-depth assessment.
A friend of mine told me about the assessments that some schools do, or that you can do privately. We can’t afford that and don’t have insurance to cover it. We also can’t afford a private school.
I spoke to a psychologist at the school, and she asked me if I thought my son was happy. I said yes because he’s a happy kid who enjoys having fun at school with his friends. Her second question was whether or not he had friends, and the answer was obviously yes.
Thirdly she asked me if I thought he was learning anything. And he is! He just has trouble keeping up, staying on track, doing his homework, etc. He’s just not into the learning structured part of school.
I’m not sure where to go or who to speak with next.
Schooled
You’re not the first mom to notice her child is having difficulties in school, nor the last, so don’t feel alone. The first thing I suggest you do is set up a meeting with his primary teacher, the principal and any resource he’s already being given. Discuss their findings, compare with your observations and talk about how you can get professional assessment done. Unfortunately, especially since COVID, so many children need extra support, that depending on your son’s needs, he may not fit the criteria the school has for doing the assessment. If that’s the case, you’ll have to go private, but you can find places that will help with the cost.
Once you’ve done the necessary tests, you’ll know exactly what your son needs and where to find it. There are ways around having to spend a fortune.
FEEDBACK Regarding the embarrassed wife (Jan. 10):
Reader 1 – “I suggest that Embarrassed Wife take a video of her husband and show it to him when he is sober.
“I did this with my late husband who was put on a drug that made him slur his words, he made no sense, fell over, etc., but when I broached the subject, he had no recollection of his behaviour. In desperation, I made a video on my phone. Not only did he have to believe me, he was incredulous as he watched what he had become, but bonus, we were also able to show it to his doctor.”
Reader 2 — “Lisi, just talking to him one more time is doomed to failure. Don’t you think the wife has already tried that?
“What you could have done is referred her to AL-ANON who counsels people married to drinkers as to the best way to deal with them. They are a valuable resource for anyone faced with this problem, and seeing this suggestion in your column will steer others towards them.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the girlfriend who steals (Jan. 17):
Reader 1 – “Yes, this woman needs therapy for her kleptomania, and her unwillingness to admit her stealing is wrong (which she should realize even if she can’t stop the compulsive behaviour). If she continues to resist getting therapy, her boyfriend should ask her to consider how being caught and convicted might affect her future prospects. Even quite minor convictions can prevent one from entering the United States — or at the least, tie one up for significant periods of time in efforts to overcome such exclusion.”
Reader 2 — “She sounds like she may be pursuing a professional career in accounting (i.e. Chartered Professional Accountant – CPA). Most professions require people to be licensed or certified. A criminal record is immediate grounds for refusal. So, she could very likely be throwing away her ENTIRE future. Very likely entrance into any MBA program could also be placed into jeopardy.
“I suggest that he research and present her with the facts. Then he needs to distance himself from her. As he is aware of what she is doing, even being present could make a good argument that he may be an accomplice. Does he really want that potential headache? What career path is he pursuing, and could such action also potentially affect him?
“He should make it clear to her that by him being present, her criminal activity could affect him too. It’s not worth having her as a girlfriend with such potentially dire consequences.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
