Dear Lisi: When I was in my 20s, I worked retail. My boss was an older man who surrounded himself with pretty, young women. He wasn’t unattractive, he was just about 15 years older than all of us, and he was the boss.
It was classic stuff from back then: He’d comment on our clothing choices, our hair, our breasts, and he’d pat us on the bum when we walked by. For whatever reason, we all wanted his attention. I had no idea that he was married with very young children, as they never popped by, he didn’t wear a ring and they were never mentioned.
One day after work, he took a few of us out for drinks. There were five of us and him, like a harem. One girl got too drunk, and two others took her home, leaving me and one other girl. He seemed to be giving this other woman a lot of attention, so I thought I’d go and leave them to it. But he pulled me close and breathed heavily in my face, begging me to stay.
Thankfully, something in me clicked. I left and quit the job the next day.
Twenty years later, I bumped into a woman who knows this man. He apparently had an affair with that girl for years, then divorced his wife and married her. But the gossip is that he still has affairs.
I am so grateful that I got away when I did, but I still feel as though I was taken advantage of when I was a young woman.
Not quite Me Too
Any time anyone feels that they were preyed upon, in any sexual way, it can be considered part of the #MeToo movement. Don’t detract from how this man treated you and all the other young women he employed.
He used his position of power and authority to get what he wanted and make himself feel worthy. He should not have been out with a posse of young women when he was married with young children at home.
Trust your instincts; they did well for you all those years ago. And find a professional with whom you can share everything you shared here. They will help you process what you went through, what you’ve suppressed all these years, and help you let it go and move forward with your life.
FEEDBACK Regarding the young man who accidentally caught his friend’s mom cheating (July 18):
Reader — “If the writer’s son doesn’t have a close relationship with the woman who was caught having sex on her couch, combined with him also not being close to her husband, I agree he and his mom should remain quiet except if the woman brings up the subject to him.
“If he has a relationship with both of them, he should let her know that she needs to let her husband know about the affair and if she won’t tell him, he will. He shouldn’t be expected to carry on as a friend with the husband, while keeping a secret with the betraying wife. What kind of friend would do that and what kind of friend would put a friend in such a predicament? No friend at all.
“Assuming he isn’t close with them, if she talks to him about it, he should simply admit he was there and saw what he saw. He can tell her it’s her business, he has nothing to gain by telling anyone and he intends to keep it to himself.”
Lisi — The writer’s son is only in his early 20s. It sounded to me as though he was distant friends with the kid whose cottage he was staying at. If possible, I think he should move out.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother-in-law not leaving money to her daughter-in-law in her will (July 24):
Reader — “I refer to the reader whose mother-in-law announced that the daughter-in-law would not receive anything in her will as she was not ‘family’ and the bequest would be for the grandchildren. Obviously, her method of discussing this was inappropriate.
“I was a lawyer for 40 years and drafted hundreds of wills. I cannot remember a single instance when a testator did this. The reason is obvious: People get remarried and the concern is that the money could go elsewhere and not benefit your grandchildren. The better course would be to leave your daughter-in-law a specific sum or divide the estate into equal shares. People rarely, if ever, benefit relations who are not blood relations.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
