Dear Lisi: My husband, five-year-old daughter and I have a close and loving relationship with my parents who are in their late 70s. Since my daughter was born, they’ve been our primary support on days when we needed babysitting help, about once per month. This summer and fall, my husband and I had some travel for work which meant that our daughter spent more time with them than she normally would (including sleepovers at their place for a few nights in a row, which is not normal for us).
We know that caring for a kindergartener can be draining and I have explicitly asked my parents if what we’re asking of them is too much. They’ve said no, that they love spending time with her and are happy to help. But when I spoke with my sister recently, she shared that my parents “seemed tired” and that I should be wary of asking too much of them at their age. She said they’re being kind and will never say no, but truthfully, they feel overwhelmed with the responsibility.
With another new baby on the way, it’s likely that we’ll have even more need for help with one or both kids. They’re obviously our first choice for care, but I’m not sure whether to believe my sister, or take their assurances at face value. Should I try to find someone else to help and take the burden off them? I worry that might be disappointing for both them and my daughter if they don’t have as much time together. Or should I continue to ask, and trust that if they felt like it was too much, they would be honest with me?
Mom with a guilty conscience
You are fortunate to have such loving and supportive parents. Your sister is probably trying to protect them. They may let their guard down when with her, and put on a brave face when with you. They know you need the help and don’t want to let you down.
But a five-year-old and a newborn baby are too much for your parents to handle. You must get some outside help, which will actually allow your parents to be able to help out longer, without risk of burning out. Depending on what you can afford, you may want a night nurse to help you get good rest, so you’re more capable during the day. Your parents can come over and snuggle the baby while you rest or work; they can take the baby for a walk to free up your time; they can pick up your daughter from school so you don’t have to run out with a newborn.
Snippets of help — short bursts — will be helpful and better for everyone. Yes, you need the help, but your parents are ageing. Be thoughtful and conscious of their needs, too.
FEEDBACK Regarding the neighbour feeling ignored by her neighbour (Oct. 31):
Reader – “You have made the assumption that something is wrong with this other person, i.e. he is ‘painfully shy or avoidant.’ Maybe it’s the writer who is in error; maybe she has a ‘no stop’ on her tongue, or is loud and complains a lot, or tells everyone her life story when all the neighbour wants is to come home from work and go into his home without being accosted.
“He may have picked up this information listening to her with other neighbours and doesn’t want to get caught into that trap. Telling her to go to his door with cookies or a gift is a violation of his privacy and ignores the plain messages about boundaries he is sending.
“Leave the man alone. If he wants to be friendly, he will tell you so.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the sibling distant from his sister (Nov. 7):
Reader – “I just read the column about the sister being angry with her brother and distant from her parents. I wonder if there is something happening at a deeper level. It reminded me of my own situation.
“I have been estranged from my brother for over four years due to his behaviour toward me. When I set boundaries with him, he got angry with me. He had no clue of his own inappropriate behaviour!
“I am now estranged from my parents as well, for four months now, due to my father’s inappropriate behaviour. He believes he did nothing wrong. It’s due to alcoholism and the disease of denial. I no longer want to be part of it.
“Sometimes people are clueless and have no self-reflection. They are not bad people just sick people.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
