Dear Lisi: I just moved into an apartment on my own, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years at university. I’ve never lived alone before, and I was looking forward to the challenge. I thought it would be a chance for me to mature and become an adult.
Turns out, so far, it sucks. It’s boring and I’m lonely. Yes, there’s no one around to bother me, but there’s also no one around to hang out with when I’m not at school or work. And the worst part is that my neighbour listens to very loud music that I don’t like and is constantly knocking on my door.
She knocks to tell me she’s having a party but doesn’t invite me to come over. She knocks to tell me she’s going away for the weekend but doesn’t tell me where or why. She knocks to ask me if I have products I’ve never heard of, like specific spices. I don’t even know her name!
I’ve signed an eight-month lease, but I’ve got to get out of here!
Apartment Antics
First thing you need to do is carefully read over your lease agreement. See if there is anything in there about breaking your lease (there will be) or subletting. Ask a lawyer friend (and/or your parents) to glance over it as well. Then get in touch with your landlord and explain the situation.
Depending on how easy it is for him to find someone new, he may let you out of the lease, but probably not without penalty. Or perhaps you could sublet it to a friend.
Worst case scenario is also twofold: either you leave but end up having to pay the rent for the duration of your lease; or you stay and suck it up as best possible.
Perhaps if you try to befriend your neighbour, you could turn that part around. Adult life is learning to cope when things don’t turn out the way you had hoped/planned.
Dear Lisi: My older sister, who is 21, and I are very close. She is my mentor and guide, given that our parents lead very busy professional lives. My mom is an orthopaedic surgeon and my dad is a senior executive at a bank.
My sister is in her third year of university, a junior, in another state from where we live. Over the Christmas holidays, our parents decided to take a Caribbean vacation on their own, as they hadn’t been away in years. My sister agreed to come home and look after me. The day after our parents left, my sister’s boyfriend came over to stay with us. My sister calmly stated that she would appreciate it if I didn’t volunteer this information to our parents. I was thrilled that she included me in this plan.
However, later that evening something came over me. I spied on them in the bedroom that night and over the next four nights. They never suspected.
Now they are both back at university and my parents and I are back in our routine. But now I feel terribly guilty for the whole episode, and I can’t sleep.
Please help.
Little Sister
I’m unclear whether you feel guilty for spying, or guilty for keeping the secret from your parents. If the former, just tell your sister. She’ll be very angry with you, she’ll feel violated, and hurt. But if you are as close as you say, you can get through this together. You will have to apologize profusely and hope that she doesn’t tell her boyfriend.
If you’re upset about the secret you’re keeping, I would have said that your sister should own up to your parents. But that’s not going to happen once she knows what you did.
You both have something on each other now, which isn’t healthy for your relationship. Agree to never speak of either incident again.
FEEDBACK Regarding the road rager in the parking lot (Jan. 3):
Reader – “I enjoy reading your insights but have to disagree with your advice about offering the road rage driver understanding and generosity of spirit and moving on. While it’s fortunate that the other driver and vehicle weren’t hit, it doesn’t excuse the behaviour of the first driver.
“Every driver takes on the responsibility of operating a vehicle that weighs thousands of pounds and can cause catastrophic damage. It’s understood that everyone has bad days, and we don’t know what’s going on in each person’s life. However, just like we don’t accept impaired driving, no one should be operating a vehicle if their frame of mind puts others at risk.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
