Dear Ellie: I’m worried about my son who’s 19 and dating a girl who’s always trying to “change” him. For example, she argued with him about his choice of universities, told him he’s unlikely to get accepted, and besides, “it’s not a cool school,” so she won’t visit him there.
Since I’ve previously raised two daughters now in their mid- 20s, and totally different from my son’s girlfriend, I’m surprised that he puts up with her constant critiques.
Most recently, she’s complained that his clothes are “totally uncool” and make him look like a loser. I could hardly hold my tongue because I was so hurt for him.
But I walked away when I heard him tell his close buddy what she’d said and then asked him what he should do about it.
After they messaged back and forth, my son told me he was going shopping with his pal for a “big event” coming up, to which he’d be taking his girlfriend. When he returned, he quickly closed the door to his room.
Though I was curious to see what he’d bought, I didn’t ask. But when he returned home early from the event, anyone could surmise what happened, as he rushed into his room.
My daughters and I were very concerned but there was no conversation about the evening’s event. The next day, the evidence was in the garbage can, and the hurt visible on my son’s face.
Though his sisters and I, who love this fine young man, were pained at how very embarrassed and hurt he appeared that day, we simply hugged him and carried on with our work day.
None of us asked him what happened.
Do you think we should’ve helped him unload his pain and embarrassment by asking about that evening?
Since I’d heard him tell his friend about needing to go to the bank before shopping for his suit, should I have offered some money toward the purchase?
Son Devastated by Controlling Girlfriend
The “loser” in this account is the girlfriend, while you and your daughters were supportive in the best possible way. No one voiced criticism of the girlfriend, letting the young man experience his own awareness of what transpired.
The result was his realization that he’d allowed someone to belittle him, accepted her dictates without question, and believed she truly cared deeply for him.
That suit in the garbage tells it all: What was demanded by the girlfriend is as worthless as what she brought to the relationship.
Dear Ellie: My daughter recently announced that she’s chosen the location for her summer wedding: Her mother’s new boyfriend’s cottage.
I told her I’d be very uncomfortable as no one has ever treated me worse than my ex-wife’s boyfriend. He bullied and threatened me, and even tried to negotiate with me over our divorce settlement. And he’s been sending me threatening texts.
His relationship with my ex-wife started prior to our separation.
As her father, I’ve given my princess everything she ever wanted. Some people say you have to do anything a bride wants. Another said I should go for the ceremony, then invite my family to a party elsewhere.
I’ve said I’d go anywhere for my daughter. However, I still questioned the location. Should I object, or just go and shut up?
Awkward Wedding
This is about your daughter whom you’ve designated a “Princess.” She knows the locale is awkward for you and likely others, too. But you helped raise her to get what she wants … so, it’ll be the cottage.
Hopefully, the wedding will focus on a new marriage, not a past divorce.
Dear Ellie: My oldest sister, now in her eighties, confided that she witnessed our parents fighting when she was very young. Our mother was pregnant at the time. The baby’s father wasn’t her husband (our father), and he had found out.
The “baby,” now in her late-70s, was never told.
My oldest sister said that she’d take the family secret to her grave, but finally told me. She didn’t ask me to not say anything.
I’ve done my DNA test on Ancestry and I definitely have both parents’ families in my matches.
If it were me, I’d want to know and would confirm with a DNA test. Should I just leave this alone?
Family Secret
Yes. Stay quiet. Don’t start a conversation that can end your sibling relationship by possibly devastating your “baby” sister. It’s unnecessary mental distress after all these years, unless there were/are facts related to your littlest sister’s health issues.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Even early dating still calls for respecting one another.
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