Dear Ellie: I met this guy on OkCupid.We met at a library, went to a bar, and were having a good time.
I asked if he had children. He said he had two, and had been “in their lives for three years.”
He’s since changed his story, saying he has a daughter, age three.
Red flags are appearing. He said: “My ex-wife would go out to the bar then never come home.” But he’s telling me something else through text, so he’s lying.
They could’ve been married for four years, because they got divorced a year ago. But I’m totally confused.
He also has a little boy. He discovered that she was cheating on him a year ago, so she was sleeping with another guy while she was pregnant with her son.
How does he know they’re his children? I think I should step away. He didn’t mention anything about children on his OkCupid profile.
Now he tells me: “I know they’re my children,” though he never took a paternity blood test.
He said: “I never wanted to have sex with you.” I said: “Why did you ask me to have sex in an alleyway?” he answered: “It wasn’t directed toward you, it’s asexual fantasy of mine.”
He tells me something in person, then something else through text. I’m about to stop talking to this guy.
This is too much drama for me.
Red Flags
Yes, those red flags are signalling a lot, providing insights about both of you.
The guy: He didn’t expect to reveal his personal life when he went on that dating site. He just wanted to meet someone, go to a bar and see what happens.
You: The natural desire to know more about someone you might be dating, has you asking personal questions of someone who’s still a stranger to you.
Pressing him for the truth only causes more confusion. He’s not being honest. Even if some stuff is true, his personal life sounds a mess (except for his connection to two youngsters, whether he’s their father or not).
What’s going on between you two isn’t date-worthy. You already nailed it: Too much drama, too few truths.
Next time you go on a dating site, ask the questions that matter to you upfront. Be clear in your own profile whether you’re just looking for easy dating or a potential relationship.
And protect yourself. Tell the guy who keeps changing his stories to shop his alley-way sex fantasy elsewhere.
Dear Ellie: I’m facing a decision that I’m not sure I can handle in my relationship or my own mind.
I’m a woman, 45, who’s been dying my hair blond since I first started premature greying at 30.
But the dye is making my scalp very itchy and causing a skin rash. It’s been getting worse for months.
My partner, a youthful, dark-haired 41, says he’s not sure it won’t affect our image as a couple. I fear that also means it may affect his feelings toward me. What do you advise?
Blond Bombshell
Talk to your hairdresser, first. Some hair-colour brands are now producing ammonia-free dyes, which may be helpful in your case. Also, some colourists are superb at using minimal amounts of blonde streaks to camouflage the grey. This might also minimize the reaction to a bearable state.
If nothing but going “natural” helps, talk to a therapist about re-assessing the impact of your blonde identity.
Grey and gorgeous is better than itchy and miserable.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Dating sites provide the photo and whatever profile a stranger writes. Ask character-based questions early.
