Dear Ellie: My husband is a great guy; our kids adore him, as do our family and friends. He’s an executive, hugely respected at his workplace. His colleagues tell me he really “knows how to listen.” At home, it’s a different story.
Some of his habits are atrocious, but he ignores my concerns. For example, he passes wind in front of me and our kids. I’ve told him it’s disgusting and disrespectful. He doesn’t seem to care.
Several years ago, he got a mouth guard (for teeth grinding). Often, he’ll put it in and walk around chatting with me while slurping and sucking. It’s stomach-churning. I’ve suggested he put it in his mouth once he’s in bed. No dice.
He interrupts me, talks over me, or changes the subject or incorrectly assumes he knows what I’ll say.
Recently we got a new refrigerator. I see gloopy handprints and bits of food on the door handles. I’ve asked him to clean up after himself, but he says we should just clean the handles at the end of the day.
I can’t understand this behaviour from an otherwise mature and caring person. Can you explain it?
Disgusted Wife
Agreed, there’s a list of things your husband does that disgust you. And he doesn’t care. At home, his “habits” are very annoying to you, yet he dismisses your complaints.
This is a classic tug of war disguised as “ignoring” you. Some of his habits (the stomach-churning “slurp and suck” mouth guard) are a direct challenge to you.
I can’t know whether you feel that your husband is purposefully playing you for the fun of it, or whether he’s a hard-working executive who wants the right to live as he pleases once he’s home.
I believe it’s taken you both to a crossroads you need to confront together, not just with you issuing negative commands and him ignoring you. Call it couples’ counselling, marital therapy, and/or psychotherapy … this marriage needs help.
Dear Ellie: Unlike many people who write you, I was very lucky in how my parents raised me. My father and mother both believed that a broad education mattered from a child’s early age, even from age four. Music was played and discussed whenever we were at home, and though we weren’t rich in money, we were very rich in experience. I was also sent to a progressive girls’ school on a scholarship.
When I dated my first love interest at 18 (we met at a piano concert where he performed), I was smitten. We had 12 years together before he died of a sudden heart attack. Both my parents have also passed, so I still rely on the strengths I inherited from them.
I graduated from university, took business courses so I could earn well, and travelled whenever possible. I’m 53 now and have what feels like a “second life.” I met a man who’s gentle, kind, caring and has become my loving partner. We live in the present, happy to be together.
Now, in the season of Christmas and a New Year, I think of those iconic dates — the celebration of heartfelt “good cheer and glad tidings,” followed by the promise of happy new beginnings.
But once these annual milestones occur, how do those of us who’ve also known tragedy and losses stay grounded in the uncertain years ahead?
Been There
You inherited your strengths long ago. You have many skills and the intelligence to use them. Being “grounded” doesn’t mean standing still. The future is yours to explore, and your relationship is shared territory to grow and enhance.
Reader’s Commentary “I’ve been following the readers’ ongoing exchanges about the etiquette of thank-you notes, and I wonder whether you could clarify something for those born in other countries, where such customs differ.
“In my country, if one receives a gift in person and opens it in front of that person, the thank-you’s have been said right then and there — no need for anyone to follow up with a thank-you note. But in Canada both responses are expected — is that correct?
“In my country, we send thank-you notes for gifts received through the mail or delivery, or gifts that are to be opened later, e.g. Christmas Day or on a birthday. Since the giver isn’t there to be thanked in person, we write.”
Ellie — Canadians are used to sending written thank-you notes for gift receiving. However, with today’s technology, some people send thank-yous by email. Both are acceptable, and any type of acknowledgement is always well-received and appreciated.
Ellie’s tip of the Day
When disagreements become ongoing verbal battles, counselling is more important than winning.
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