Dear Ellie: I’m an energetic, athletic, still-youthful grandmother, age 61. My ex-husband’s daughter, who’s separated with two children under age 10, keeps sweet-talking me into babysitting her kids so she can go out with her friends.
She always starts with a buildup about how much those children love me, then adds that my babysitting help is essential to her well-being!
Meanwhile, her father isn’t even asked to babysit. He always comes up with “important work projects keeping him too busy.”
I love and enjoy my step-grandchildren. But I can’t help being annoyed that their grandfather doesn’t help, especially if there’s a real need. But I also don’t feel that my stepdaughter’s socializing is my responsibility.
Being a youthful grandparent has made me an easy “go-to” for her backup plan when she wants a night out. But she’s not completely open about her own plans and, on two past occasions, she didn’t return home until the next morning, without having said that was her intention.
Fortunately, my step-grandkids are easy children with whom to spend time, play games, do puzzles, bake cookies, etc. But I do worry that if I don’t see them somewhat regularly, their mother’s frequent nights out without them will become obvious to the kids.
It makes me feel torn between my own need to maintain my athletic energy and stay fit and healthy.
But why should the grandfather be left off the list of family supporters? He’s not remarried but I’ve heard that he has a girlfriend now. This whole situation makes me feel “used” — like father, like daughter! Any suggestions?
Caring Grandmother
The more information you revealed, the more I empathize with your perspective on what’s really going on: The children’s mother yearns for social contact with friends and only has you as backup to get out on her own.
You have a right of refusal to babysit sometimes, but along with your own athletic interests, you can give your grandkids an introduction to outdoor sports when possible, and ways to exercise, play board games, and have fun indoors.
The children are lucky to have you available when possible, and you’re lucky, too, for the connection with youngsters who need you.
Make time for being with the children but set boundaries for time for your own needs and for athletic time with other adults.
Dear Ellie: On a recent beach vacation, I noticed a seeming mid-40s couple choosing a beach umbrella near me. Two umbrellas were available, the woman stopped at the first, but the man walked to the second.
They began arguing about their choice and appeared animated over their dispute.
Finally, the woman joined the man, and they settled down. But I soon saw the same gestures of annoyance and discord the following day.
What makes a relatively simple choice so difficult?
Beach Umbrella Dilemma
I can easily picture the couples’ quarrels. Because they happen to most of us, at some point, and usually over seemingly small differences.
The husband: Perhaps he wanted to watch an important sports event, but his wife argued against “wasting” the time and cost of their beach vacation.
The wife: Having checked her mirror, noticed more grey hairs, and wanted to find a hairdresser. Soon. She became restless and argumentative about choosing a chair.
This couple’s issues are poor communication and control. It’s their go-to behaviour which not even a sunny beach can change … Unless one of them breaks the pattern before it leads to splitting up.
Reader’s Commentary How to handle a declining relative’s mental and physical health plan for a possible “life- changing event:”
“For me and my brothers, it was our mom suffering a serious fall. Fortunately, she recognised the situation and asked us to investigate seniors’ residences regarding preferred locations. The final decisions were hers. I just did the legwork to investigate.
“My advice is to NEVER point out a relatives’ failings, which might add depression to the person’s health issues.
“In my mother’s situation, I’d often hear the same story multiple times, which she forgot that she had mentioned previously. Family members MUST treat each time as the first time and with the same level of enthusiasm.
“The goal is to keep declining parents as comfortable as possible. You don’t want anyone having the possibility of feeling guilt.”
Ellie’s tip of the Day: Involvement with grandkids means a lot to their well-being when you include fun and athletics together, making “babysitting” a benefit for all.
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