Dear Ellie: My boyfriend of 18 months and I are both late 30s to early 40s. He’s a kind, loving partner who treats me with utmost respect. Recently, he moved into the downtown condo that I own.
However, one relationship complication revolves around his two dogs, which he shares part-time with his ex-partner.
They were in a 14-year-plus relationship but never married. They consider their dogs as their “children.” Previously, they lived within a 10-minute walk of each other, so it was easy to swap the dogs. Both dogs were never in our care beyond one week.
Then his ex-partner moved two hours away and insisted on still sharing custody of both.
One dog handles the stress of a two-hour journey, but the other has shown anxiety and aggression, even biting the other dog.
The dogs’ exchange process becomes an ongoing negotiation with his ex, and this stressful situation is affecting our relationship.
So, we switched to a two-weeks-on, two-weeks-off schedule for the dogs, but it’s a lot to handle. I feel slighted whenever my boyfriend takes his ex’s side, with her constant discussions and disruptions to our plans when her schedule changes.
Also, two dogs, a cat, plus two adults in a condo has become overwhelming.
I suggested that they each take one dog full-time. His ex could take the skittish dog to her spacious yard and quieter neighbourhood. We could take the more easygoing dog, who enjoys our local park.
This proposal led to a heated argument with her new partner, who insisted that the dogs stay together.
I don’t want us to suffer because of this ongoing dog care issue. We’ve found no solution.
How do I find what works for everyone involved, including the dogs?
Shared Dog Problems
Dear Ellie: A much-loved dog can remain attached to its owner(s), even after they’ve gone separate ways.
Disrupted dogs need the help of their “keepers.” Yet no one’s handling this situation with clear-eyed reality.
Since your boyfriend’s ex moved farther away, she had to recognize this would create difficulties in dog-sharing.
I can understand her wanting things to be the same as before, but then, she also had to adjust to losing her previous relationship (with your now-boyfriend). However, that breakup evolved, she’s hurting about more than the dogs.
Time for you to have a loving chat with your partner about how much the dogs’ well-being matters to you both. And that harm to the dogs could become harmful to your relationship.
Decide together to make a defined move and end the conflict, even if it means giving up the dogs, for the animals’ sake and peace in your relationship
Dear Ellie: I’m looking for an article for a friend that I read in your column recently about a man asking for help when he discovered his wife was cheating on him over the Internet with a male friend.
I recall reading the article but can’t remember your advice. It might help my friend.
Internet Cheat?
Anyone who’s discovered a wife cheating on the letter-writer’s “friend,” is usually writing about what he suspects is actually happening with his own wife.
Sorry, but that’s often a reality, in my experience as a relationship adviser.
The Internet has many modes of connecting people — e.g., a long-ago lover surfacing online to find a past heartthrob, or a stranger seeking any positive reaction.
Sometimes, it’s a sexy “chat” to build towards a date. Or just taking a chance that someone is lonely enough to believe the writer’s pitch.
Whether it’s your own or your friend’s wife, discover the truth, not just a supposition.
Reader’s Commentary “In my late-20s, I discovered my husband loved himself best.
“He was fixated on having our first child. I birthed and loved our son too much to pursue my own dreams while he was so young.
“I then had two blessed daughters. My life with the children was too busy to consider other drives.
“With all three in school, I got my MA, then a job I loved. My husband considered my working hours and needs an intrusion on his routines.
“Today, I’m divorced, he’s remarried, the kids are OK. They still need love and support which I try to keep giving them. My ex also connects with them, usually after he’s done everything else, which is no longer surprising.
“Divorce is a reality for women and men alike. Let’s not overreact feeling sad and helpless. Instead, do the best we can for the children and ourselves.”
Reality Check
Ellie’s tip of the day
Regular two-dog pickups and caregiving strains a couple’s relationship.
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