Dear Ellie: I keep reading relationship books and articles about people who I’m told are trying to “live their best life,” and who are also focusing on their inner self. I think all this language is supposed to empower me, but it makes me feel inadequate.
I’m a woman, age 27, and I have had a couple of boyfriends — the longest relationship lasted less than a year, but now I want permanency, and also knowing that I’m with the right person.
Restless
When it comes to romance, relationships, and even marriage, no one can actually guarantee permanence. But you have an advantage right now because of the very fact that you are not coupled and can help yourself by defining what that might look like to you.
For example, if you find that a potential partner prefers a mostly homebound lifestyle, you have to recognize they likely won’t change. The goal of seeking your own relationship preferences requires doing the work to truly understand yourself, and accept your findings.
The next most important step, then, is to communicate: Say what you feel, be honest about it, share your ideas, and learn from others. Then, periodically try doing something different but still comfortable for you and the “other person” in your life.
Dear Ellie: We have had two women come into our home to clean on a regular basis for over a year. Last Christmas, I gave them a card and $50 each. I never received a “thank you.” It annoyed me that they couldn’t even leave one. I’m feeling like I don’t want to give them anything this year but that seems Scrooge-like.
Perplexed
I think you’re off the mark here. While a $50 “gift” is better than none, anyone who can hire two women to regularly clean a home, and think that’s worth a big “thank you” in response, is out of sync with the economic realities for most people.
First, there’s the cost of transportation getting to your place. Then, there’s the work — washing floors, cleaning stoves, ovens, washrooms, laundry, maybe ironing, too. These are hard times for so many, when buying groceries for a traditional Christmas dinner is a near-impossible reach.
Give more this year, you’ll feel better for it.
FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who can’t keep himself from overeating (Nov. 8):
Reader #1 – “I’ve never responded to any column before but the headline ‘binge eating’ and the story and your response has prompted me to do so.
“This hubby has a serious disease, a food addiction. He doesn’t want to consume everything in sight but can’t stop. He has an addiction and requires treatment because people do die from this addiction. It is real and progressive.
“Please take the opportunity to inform yourself and your readers about this very real disease and the management solution. There are programs to manage the disease like Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA).
“Millions of people worldwide are impacted and I personally am so grateful that I found FA as I’ve been living in recovery for over eight years, having lost and kept off almost 100 pounds over seven years.
“I now understand how and why I spent the better part of 50 years grossly overweight and yo-yo dieting, gaining more weight with each diet.”
Reader #2 – “A help group called Overeaters Anonymous might be suitable for the husband who binge eats.”
Reader #3 – “Someone getting up in the night to eat a whole baguette and a block of cheese, when he already has weight-related health issues, needs more than a nutritionist.
“He’s not doing this because he is ignorant of the effects of overeating.
“I would suggest Weight Watchers, TOPS or some other support group offering eating plans and behaviour modification techniques plus a commitment to a half-hour of walking per day along with one other weekly physical activity he enjoys (running, dancing, a team sport, whatever).
“And maybe a few therapy sessions to find out what is triggering his binges.”
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