Dear Ellie: My story is unusual. My husband and I were deeply in love over 25 years. We had a very happy home raising our three children, but as they grew into their 20s and needed us less, we drifted apart as a couple.
I immersed myself in further education and he started a new business. We divorced because nothing was holding us together.
To my surprise, my ex re-married after a few years and then had two more children, now toddlers. I’d remained single, perhaps because I never stopped loving him.
During the pandemic, he checked up on how I was doing. We soon confessed that we still had deep feelings for each other. We’re now talking about him divorcing his wife and our getting back together.
My only hesitation is about becoming stepmother to his youngsters when I’m in an entirely different phase of life.
Is the love we still feel now enough? Is it realistic or even fair when there are such young children involved?
Second Time Issues
The love that drew you back together must be very strong. But you both now need to discuss what made you drift apart enough to divorce and for him to marry someone else.
You’ll need to be open and honest about what you felt was missing at the time, and what you each were actually seeking beyond the marriage. Those revelations can be hurtful, so you might consider some counselling help.
When certain that you’re ready for re-marriage, focus on the responsibility of helping raise his young children. A stepmother’s role requires kindness and patience to help children adjust to new circumstances. Be sure you can handle it.
Dear Ellie: I’ve done a terrible thing and don’t know how to make up for it. I’ve been married for six years and have two children. Three years ago, my wife turned the creative work she’d been doing casually, into a successful home-based business.
We hired a nanny to help with the kids. Things went very well, then my wife started travelling monthly for a couple of days of marketing her product in stores.
I felt lonely at those times, didn’t feel it fair to the youngsters to just leave them, so hung around. One thing led to another and I had a fling with the nanny.
I couldn’t just fire her so confessed to my wife, who was devastated. I’ve apologized every possible way, started seeing a counsellor for myself, and told my wife that I also want to get marriage counselling with her.
I’ve also helped the nanny get work in another city, which is what she asked me to do.
How else can I end the nightmare I started? I love my wife and kids and don’t want to break up our family.
Huge Mistake
You’re doing what’s needed on the surface, but dig down deeper to be sure you understand what allowed you to cross that line.
It wasn’t infidelity alone, but the added violation of a working girl’s security (even with consent, you had a duty of protection to her as her employer).
It was also a lack of protection for your children, who could’ve gotten into injurious trouble while you and the nanny weren’t paying attention.
Keep proving your apology. Share with your wife any insights your individual therapy provides. Urge her to attend joint counselling focused on the marriage. Learn how to prove that you’d never cross the line of faithfulness, loyalty and love again.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Re-marriage to a partner you once divorced requires understanding the past and what’s needed in the future.
Send relationship questions to [email protected].
