Dear Ellie: My close male friend confessed his romantic feelings for me.
I’m 38 and divorced, so I decided to go for it. He was soon very aroused. But when we connected physically, I felt nothing. In my experience, he’s very undersized.
I didn’t say anything about it. But, for me, size matters. I don’t see a sexual future with him.
How do I say this to a friend I sincerely care about?
Awkward Problem
Be prepared to possibly lose this friend.
It’s actually just your personal preference that size matters… because, as the website healthline.com explains, penis size has “zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do… any perceived shortcomings are easily and enjoyably rectified with the right position.”
But how you feel is important to you both. You lack passion or excitement for this man.
Tell him that you value him as a friend and hope that connection remains for years. Hopefully, he’ll accept your honesty.
Dear Readers: Periodically, my column must veer from relationship/couples’ issues and provide scientifically-accurate information to help people with concerns that deeply affect them.
Regarding attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a reader queried a letter-writer’s statement (Oct. 23) that his adult daughter, diagnosed with ADHD when young, is currently verbally abusive to both parents.
The woman worried that others might then associate ADHD with abusive behaviour which she said wasn’t related. My online search upheld her view so I added a “clarification” in a later column.
I next received the following letter: “As someone diagnosed at eight or nine as having ADHD, who sometimes presented with violent behaviours when I was very young…
“It turns out that it’s very common for those with ADHD to also have bipolar disorder, a diagnosis provided to me this year.”
With deeper research through Psychology Med, September, 2016, I learned this: “Childhood maltreatment was significantly associated with increased ADHD symptoms in adults…”
Apparently, the children had learned to strike back physically, verbally, etc.
Mentioned in this same research paper, is oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), which another reader also wrote me about.
Here’s what ODD looks like in children: “Regular temper tantrums, excessive arguments with adults, and uncooperative, deliberately annoying, or mean and spiteful behaviour… it’s far more prevalent in patients with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD).”
In sum, medical and mental health issues are often too complex for easily-defined answers.
Naturally, the people experiencing such problems are affected by them within their personal relationships. But their first steps to deal with them should be a discussion with their family doctor and specialists.
In the mental-health field, social work counsellors and psychotherapists can also be very helpful.
Dear Ellie: I went on an anti-anxiety medication towards the beginning of the first lockdown.
It’s been very effective, but I’ve encountered a side effect which makes me appear very sedated. I don’t wish to complain to my doctor because it’s been very embarrassing. A close contact recently said she thought I appeared drunk.
Should I be offended or consider she’s a good friend, or take her comment to the doctor?
I’m not a drinker. Should I stop taking this medication, which works, or just try to “deal with it”?
Confused
No caring doctor would consider a patient’s question about a medication’s effect as a “complaint.” Call your doctor and describe your unwanted side-effect.
Your friend stated an observation, not an insult. She’s no expert so don’t stop the medication on your own.
Reader’s commentary regarding men’s reaction to what women wear (Oct. 22):
“An older woman who saw a skimpily-dressed young woman, pointed her out to her husband. You wrote that it shouldn’t matter what women wear.
“You don’t know whether he actually “ogled” the woman. You said that women should be able to wear what they want, without being judged negatively.
“I admit that men often do ogle women. As a social worker among numerous men and women, I acknowledge that many men do stare at certain women.
“So, why are we saying it doesn’t matter what they wear? There’s a consequence to wearing revealing clothing.
“Many men will “lust” after them and think of having sex with them. So, if women don’t mind what men will think, then women should wear what they want.”
Ellie: Men ogling women based only on their clothing is still creepy.
Ellie’s tip of the day
There’s more to achieving sexual pleasure than judging men based on penis size.
Send relationship questions to [email protected].
