Dear Readers: A friend recently asked me for my advice on a personal matter of hers. This friend knows that I write a relationship column, but insisted to me that her question wasn’t too awkward or unusual for either of us to be embarrassed. Since she’s a very intelligent woman who’s had to make many complex business, career, and personal decisions over the years, I was sure that we’d resolve the issue easily.
I listened carefully, then told her what I thought. Her response was unique among the many readers’ reactions that I receive. My friend suddenly knew for certain that she preferred an opposite solution.
And that, Dear Readers, is the essence of being in touch with your own common sense when it lines up with your inner values and needs.
We need to be open and honest with ourselves, to feel good and fully comfortable about a decision.
Dear Ellie: My dear sister-in-law has been in a long-term-care facility for several years with dementia. My husband and I visit often. He’s also in charge of a trust fund for adjunct care … e.g. we purchase clothes, bedding, hire a private companion, and even bring beauty supplies. Anything to make her life a little easier.
Her husband was clear from day one that he’d place her in a home, as he couldn’t cope otherwise. We’d take her many times for a week away to give him a break … when she went into the care home, he left on a trip to Cuba.
The final shock came when his brother passed away. We visited the funeral home out of respect for him, where we were greeted by a woman who introduced herself as my brother-in-law’s “girlfriend.”
Ellie, we felt sick. His family has totally accepted this woman despite that his wife is still alive. His two sons have also accepted her.
Must he make this affair so public in front of her own family? It greatly hurts us to see this. Even the staff of the LTC-home are gossiping about it. He cares so little about her.
He spends his money on this new gal-pal while his wife gets nothing except for the items we purchase through the fund. Are we wrong to expect some discretion on his part?
Uncaring Husband’s Girlfriend
This unfortunately common situation is the hardest time in many people’s lives when they can no longer live in their own familiar surroundings and must rely on their closest family and/or spouse.
Your sister-in-law’s story is unfortunately like many others. Trust funds meant to cover the period of care, may go on for years and dwindle to zero. Unfortunately, some former partners can’t handle the new situation.
He’s openly moved on. But he didn’t have to be so openly uncaring.
My own experience with relatives’ long-term care needs was far different, with kind and constantly helpful caregivers present, who treated their patients and family visitors with obvious regard.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the wife who’s “disgusted” with her husband’s personal habits (Jan.5):
“This woman is too much of a ‘neatnik.’ The children adore their dad. So, is that not more important than ‘farts and fingerprints?’
“I think she is very lucky to have this guy, and perhaps she could find a more important cause than trying to change her husband’s behaviour at home.
“Personally, I did not like my husband’s sneezing into his hand, so I stopped saying ‘gesundheit’ whenever he did that. He now almost always sneezes into his elbow.
“I have also not cured all my annoyances …”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the groom’s fiancée’s sister stealing the limelight (Jan.5):
“I don’t know where this groom has been, but in my wedding experiences, the bride, on the arm of someone significant in her life, is usually escorted last down the aisle, building suspense.
“The bridal attendants proceed down the aisle ahead of the bride, most usually alone. At the end of the ceremony these attendants each walk out on the arm of an usher. The newly wedded couple then go first, and bride and groom together exit the wedding venue.
“It seems that the groom’s future sister-in-law has an excessive need for attention. Her family may have supported her self-importance, but the groom’s reaction is a bit over the top. The wedding planner should’ve instructed that the bride and her escort come last for the full impact of the wedding march.
“However, almost anything actually goes at a wedding.”
Ellie’s tip of the Day
From the life-changing realities of long-term care to the minutiae of wedding details, we face new experiences throughout our lives.
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